Proverbs 4:1-13
Hear, O sons, the instruction of a father, And give attention that you may gain understanding, For I give you sound teaching; Do not abandon my instruction. When I was a son to my father, Tender and the only son in the sight of my mother, Then he taught me and said to me, Let your heart hold fast my words; Keep my commandments and live; Acquire wisdom! Acquire understanding! Do not forget nor turn away from the words of my mouth. Do not forsake her, and she will guard you; Love her, and she will watch over you. The beginning of wisdom is: Acquire wisdom; And with all your acquiring, get understanding. Prize her, and she will exalt you; She will honor you if you embrace her. She will place on your head a garland of grace; She will present you with a crown of beauty. Hear, my son, and accept my sayings And the years of your life will be many. I have directed you in the way of wisdom; I have led you in upright paths. When you walk, your steps will not be impeded; And if you run, you will not stumble. Take hold of instruction; do not let go. Guard her, for she is your life.
The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge; Fools despise wisdom and instruction.
When I was 14 years old, my buddies called me up on a Saturday and asked me to come play some sandlot football. By that time I was a big kid so I wanted to go show off and "bust some heads." But all my friends lived across town and I needed a ride from my parents to get to the lot where we were planning to play. Of course, they wanted to know where they were taking me and why. When my dad found out what I was planning, he did his usual hemming and hawing..."I don't think you should go. It's dangerous." Then he told me how when he was 14, he chipped a tooth playing sandlot football. My friend Tobey (who also needed a ride from my parents) and I assured my dad that his experience was unique and we would be more than careful.
So, Tobey and I went to play some pigskin. We had a great time. Until I tackled Robbie Bucco, who was running the ball. When we hit, I clenched my teeth, but the top front teeth were behind the bottom front theeth and the impact chipped my bottom front tooth. When I told Tobey, he laughed hysterically. My portion of humble pie filled my mouth as I had to admit to my dad that the exact same thing that happened to him...the thing that he warned me about (which I still say is a million to one shot!) actually happened to me.
That was the day I realized that my parents didn't make rules and keep me from doing things just to make my life miserable or to ruin my social standing. They had already been through the things I was going through and they knew the pitfalls. They had wisdom from making their own mistakes, and they were trying to keep me from doing the same dumb things. It became very clear that they weren't against me, but that they knew a lot more about life than I did and they wanted to help me because they love me. Point blank, kids do stupid things and parents have already done those stupid things, so they try to stop their kids!
That revolutionized my life and all of my philosophies, which to that point had been informal and extemporized. I set out to learn as much as I could from my elders and from the wisdom of the ages. I memorized quotes of philosophers, I read proverbs and poems and I sought to experience life for myself, but with a new filter. The filter od maximizing others' council and advice (others who were experienced and whose opinion was valuable).
There's a quote my Mark Twain that goes something like, "When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned."
When you are able to understand this quote, you'll understand what I am talking about and just how important it is for children to heed their parents' advice, warnings, and rules. And you'll understand why I am writing this blog for you.
Proverbs 1:7-9
The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge; Fools despise wisdom and instruction. Hear, my son, your father's instruction And do not forsake your mother's teaching; Indeed, they are a graceful wreath to your head And ornaments about your neck.
The definition of a real man.
When I was in college, I was on this kind of quest. I wanted to find a code of honor by which I could live my life. Just like the knights of old, those brave and honorable men of chivalry. Well, I never actually found one, at least one that I thought was substantial or acceptable. So I started to create my own. I would jot down little ideas and "rules to live by."
But I abandoned all that when I became a disciple of Jesus. I found that the Bible IS a code of honor - rules to live by. The Bible held everything I was looking for. I wanted structure. I wanted rules that I could turn to when I wasn't sure how to act or what decision to make. I was looking to a corrupt and self-focused world for that before. But Now I don't have to guess or rely on myself for the fortitude of what it means to be a man. The Bible provides that model of a godly man for us.
Before you were born, Joey, i would think about what I would teach you. I wanted to teach you what it means to be a godly man. So little by little I will try to instill that teaching into these entries as well as in everyday life.
Our society is so confused about gender these days. People have forgotten what God intended for man and for woman.
In Genesis, when God creates Adam, he names him mud. Adam, ~da the hebrew word for man is also the word red which is derived from the color of earth or...mud from which God mad made man. The word Adamah, hmda means earth. The other word for man is ish Xya The word for woman is ishah hXXa. God tells us that he made both man and woman in His image. This means that, spiritually, God must have both male and female characteristics. Therefore, men have some of God's attributes, and women have others. Some of His attributes are shared by both genders. But God made us distinct. Neither one better! But each with their own talents, natures, skills, traits, and bents. Each with different roles, but equal roles in the eyes of God.
To explain this further, God has fatherly characteristics. He gives us good gifts, as an earthly father would (Luke 11:11-13). He also has motherly characteristics. He comforts us as a mother comforts her child (Isaiah 66:13). So humankind has both, but separated by gender. Some of these traits and bents will cross genders, but for the most part, men are men and women are women the way God intended both to be. He even assigns us different roles from Genesis to Ephesians.
You ask: "So, what are you trying to say Dad?" I'm simply saying that in order to be a man someday, you need to realize that there is:
1. A need for real men.
2. A distinct role and character of a man; and
3. God's purpose in your manhood.
So what is a real man? The definition of a real man: Oh, it's not that easy! we'll START to tackle this next time.
IN CHRIST ALONE, A song by the Newsboys
(Look up the song and give it a listen.)
This song speaks to my soul. I try to live like this. I pray you live like this.
So what is a real man? I bet you've been waiting with bated breath... Well, you're only going to get the first part. I'll construct this definition for you over time. But here is how it starts...A real man loves God with all his heart, all his mind, and all his strength. We'll condense that to: A real man loves God.
I bet you thought I was going to say a real man is tough, or something like that. Well, anybody can act tough. A better attribute than toughness is fortitude. That is a stronger word and a better representation of the type of tough a real man has to be. But I have come to realize that fortitude comes from love. The man who loves God is loved BY God. Knowing that God loves you builds fortitude in ways you won't understand until you are pressed - pushed to the brink.
The apostle Paul puts it this way: "And our hope for you is steadfast, because we know that as you are partakers of the sufferings, so also you will partake of the consolation. For we do not want you to be ignorant, brethren, of our trouble which came to us in Asia: that we were burdened beyond measure, above strength, so that we despaired even of life. Yes, we had the sentence of death in ourselves, that we should not trust in ourselves but in God who raises the dead, who delivered us from so great a death, and does deliver us; in whom we trust that He will still deliver us..." 2Corinthian 1:8-10. Paul is saying, "Hey, we're going to have trouble in this life! But God is greater than our problems. God keeps us going!"
Paul was tough even to the point of "despairing life" - meaning he (and those with him) wanted to die. They would have rather been dead (at the time it was happening) than to endure what they did. But they endured it because of the fortitude that Jesus's love built in them. They didn't take the easy way out and give up, or commit suicide, or run away, or denounce Jesus. See, Paul had a relationship with Jesus. He knew Him personally and intimately. Paul Knew His Savior. Paul knew that Jesus is bigger than his problems and that Jesus ALWAYS works ALL things together for good for those who love Him and are called to His purposes. (Romans 8:28) Paul could say with confidence that he did not trust in Himself, but in God who raises even the dead! God is all powerful. God gives us every breath that we breathe! I am not tough because I'm hardened and battle scarred, but because I love God and I know he loves me! (Paul would say in today's language).
Here's how he said it back then: Romans 5:1-5: Therefore, having been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom also we have access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only that(!), but we also glory in tribulations, knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Now hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us.
As you will see in my writings to come...with God, His ways almost never seem natural to humans. It's not intuitive for us to understand the way God works. He does things in ways we wouldn't. In fact, that is one reason many people don't believe in Jesus. It just isn't the way they would do it, so they can't see God doing it that way. "'For My thoughts are not your thoughts, Nor are your ways My ways,' says the Lord." - Isaiah 55:8 The Jewish people of Jesus' day wanted a powerful general who would break Rome's hold over them, not a Messiah who would be tortured and executed. To this day, it is a stumbling block for many Jewish people.
"There is a way that seems right to a man, But its end is the way of death." Proverbs 14:12
So in God's economy, in order to be tough, you have to be tender. Your heart has to be in God's hands. You have to love and seek Him and know Him, and then you will begin to develop that fortitude. Then your character will begin to take shape and you will be a tough guy because God is your protector, God is your encourager, God is clearing your path, He has given you his armor (Ephesians 5) and the Bible is your sword! You're a real man when you are God's man.
The world today will tell you that a tough guy is emotionless and cold. The view of a tough guy today is that he can take care of himself and fight his way out of things. People respect a tough guy because they fear him. I say, a man is tough because he loves God. A man can endure all things because he trusts God. A man is respected because he respects God. A real man has fortitude because he knows he cannot take care of himself. He cannot make his own way out of trouble. A real man is a real man because he knows God is his only hope.
It all starts with a relationship with God. A real man loves God... Do you love Him?
Holy = Set apart
You know, in thinking about my last entry, I thought of another vane in which this discussion could go. I believe the Lord has revealed to me that in my pre-Christian life - up to and immediately proceeding college - God put me in unique and sometimes lonely situations to ready me for the Christian life. That is to say, I was often an outsider, or a part of more obscure activities and organizations.
For instance, as a cheerleader in college, I had a great time. And I knew how challenging and physically demanding it is as a sport. But to tell people I was a cheerleader, I endured a lot of strange looks, taunting, and jeering. By the way, I wouldn't go around telling your friends that your dad was a cheerleader. Wait until you happen to be watching the national college cheerleading championships on ESPN 2 with your friends and guys are throwing girls in the air and catching them with one hand...Then they'll be impressed. But it's not a conversation for the lunchroom at school.
Anyway, my point is that God had me in a place where I was often having to defend my choices and explain the benefits to others. Evangelizing, if you will. The same goes for the fraternity I was a part of. Some of the best friends I ever had were in that fraternity and we had a lot of fun. But as fraternities go, we were not the coolest. We had 10 guys at our peak while I was in school and we were not known for our athleticism, or our booksmarts, or our coolness. Without trying to sound too cocky or boastful, I was cool back then (believe it or not). There were a handful of normal - cool guys in the frat. But I was constantly defending my friends. I was forced to be their advocates. I was forced to be seen with in public constantly. And I became stronger for it and they were better friends because of it.
Those are only two examples of many, but my point is that even before I was His, God was preparing me. He was building me up because He knew that I would be His one day. He knew me as His own and he was building fortitude in me. That fortitude is a part of my Christian walk. And it helps me now when I am mocked, jeered, or rejected because of my faith. It especially hurts when those I love - some of my own family and closest friends reject Jesus. They are in a sense rejecting me. And often they are rejecting me. Because Jesus is who I am. I am no fool. I did not walk blindly into Christianity and I counted the cost. I have seen Jesus work first hand and I have studied His Word with a critical eye. I have never left my brain at the door of the church.
And that is why it stings my heart personally when my friends and family reject Jesus. They reject me, because Jesus is in me and I am in Him. (John 15:5) But God knows everything before it happens. And He knew how I would feel, and what i would be up against and so He has fortified my heart from before I was saved. He worked in my life and still does to strengthen me and to keep me going forward even when those I love reject Him. That's a part of fortitude from God. He alone has grown that resolve in me and I thank Him for it.
So when I tell you that a real man loves God and has a tender heart for the Lord...that's a tough thing in light of modern society. It doesn't gel with our view of a real man. We need to be the obscure, the unique...or as God calls us to be: HOLY. Holy means set apart. Different. Pure.
the Jewish people - God's chosen people were called to be holy and were commanded to be different. They were supposed to dress, cut their hair, speak, eat, and act differently than the pagan societies around them. they weren't even supposed to associate closely with non-Jews. That separation has historically made them the subject of persecution.
If you're going to be different, if you're going to be holy; be ready for persecution. But when you love God, He readies you and His love steadies you. You can then endure persecution because you are a real man.
I just wanted to write you a note to tell you how much I love you and your mom. Yesterday was Resurrection Day. We were over Nanny & Poppop's house and your mommy was singing to you on the couch. She was holding you and you were just looking at her and touching her face. You are so cute. You were just enjoying being together. I took a picture. You're so little, but you show us so much love. Your mommy takes really good care of you and you are so blessed to have her. You're going to be a strong man because of her.
The other night, I went and picked you up and brought you to my bed at around 3am because you were crying. Usually, I wouldn't do that, but you're teething and you're sick with a cold and mommy's knees are bad, so I brought you in for her to soothe you. As you were laying there in between us, I was falling asleep and you started stroking my face with your little hand. It was so nice and so cute and it kept me just awake enough to keep an eye on you. You are a great joy. I love just starring at you. I could look at your little smiling face all day. My cutey cutey!
I call you stompasauraus a lot because you have a shirt that says that, and it shows a picture of a dinosaur. It gives the definition of a Stompasaurus and then says, "I'm spikey!" You love to stomp and jump around in your jumperoo and you make all kinds of noise. So you are in fact a stompasaurus!
I try to rub your belly and your head to soothe you. I think you like it. I remember my dad rubbing my belly, especially when I was sick and it was always soothing to me to have his big strong hand taking care of me. I hope you feel the same way. I rub your head, because since you were born, I'm the only one who does that (consistently at least). When I had no idea how to help you, I would run my hand over your head from back to front and hope that it felt good and distracted you from whatever was making you upset. You're so grown up now since then, but I think you really like me rubbing your head now. Over your mohawk! Poppop calls you the last of the Mohekans because your hair is growing from the top center. I think it looks pretty cool.
I know that when you are reading this as a young man and maybe even as an older man, it is going to sound silly and may even embarrass you. But when you have your own children, you will understand and you will know how much I love you.
Strength, Intelligence, Money, Charisma, Power...
When I was a little boy, I was picked on everyday on my way to and from school on the school bus. Kids in my neighborhood were more or less punks and I was a pretty innocent and gentle kid. I was six years old when it started with a punch to my gut from a Kid named Danny. He would be a perennial problem for me and along with his band of punk friends, their bullying changed my life and afflicted me for years. In the end, it made me stronger, but in a cynical and hardened way. It made me seek physical fitness and self defense and it made me watch my back all the time. By the time I was 12, I was recognized as a big kid, an athlete, and someone not to be messed with. But it was too late for my scarred heart.
I heard the story of Frank Perretti, who is now a celebrated author and teacher. When he was a child, he had some physical problems that made him a target of bullies and mean people of all ages. He lived a tortured existence until someone showed him interest and love. His story resonated with me because of my own background. Although, my history pales in comparison.
But what I really learned from Perretti that I want you to know is from when he was older; an accomplished author giving a lecture at a Christian college. He said that when he was in their cafeteria, he saw some bigger, athletic boys picking on a smaller, nerdy boy. One actually grabbed the poor kid and held him up against the wall.
When Frank saw this, he intervened and what he said next has shaped my philosophy as a Christian. He explained to these Christian bullies that if God has made you strong, He has made you strong to PROTECT the weak. If God has made you smart, He made you smart to help those who aren't as sharp as you. If God has given you money, charisma, power, whatever the Lord has blessed you with...He's given it to you to accomplish the work He has for you. God set up good works for you to accomplish before you were even born! And it is by His grace that we walk in them. Ephesians 2:10 says, "we are His creation in Christ Jesus, created for good works which He prepares before us, that we should walk in them."
"I have set watchmen on your walls, O Jerusalem; They shall never hold their peace day or night." Isaiah 62:6
"But if the watchman sees the sword coming and does not blow the trumpet, and the people are not warned, and the sword comes and takes any person from among them, he is taken away in his iniquity; but his blood I will require at the watchman's hand.'" Ezekiel 33:6
So, if you want to be a real man, don't ever let me catch you making fun of others or mocking those who are different, or bullying anyone. Never, ever target another person. Be the champion of those who are weak. Be the deliverer of those who are oppressed. Always, always, always do it out of love for God's children. See others through Jesus' eyes.
My prayer is that God makes you strong to protect the weak - Like the warrior King David and his mighty men! That God makes you intelligent to help those who need it. That God makes you rich, only for you to pour it out on others. And that God gives you charisma, and power that you can effect others who would want to do the same...that you would be a godly example.
So that is our next link in the chain. A real man protects others. A real man helps those who can't help themselves.
Hey buddy, remind me that I want to make a coat of arms for our family. You me and mommy can create one together that will be our sign to the world of who the Campagna's are. I think I want to use the "grafted in" symbol for one part so don't let me forget. I put it in my list.
When people in authority set a rule, they mean it. Sometimes, there are no second chances.
This is a lesson I learned in high school and have seen repeated throughout my adult life. When I was a Senior in High School, I was in a math class that was one level below where I should have been. My schedule didn't allow for an advanced class, so i was relegated to simplicity. I didn't take it very seriously and the level of student was different than I was used to...they were punks who misbehaved during instruction time.
On the very first day of class the teacher told us that homework is collected, reviewed and given a check-plus or a check-minus. No homework resulted in a check-minus Homework, tests, and class notes MUST be done in pencil so mistakes can be erased. If you did not use pencil, it would be rejected and counted against your grade. Homework in pen received a check minus and tests in pen received a failing grade no matter the content or correctness of the answers.
Now, at that time I was using erasable pen for everything. I had a bunch that I guarded with my life, and in our house pencils were hard to come by and hard to keep. Plus it was a pain to have to carry a pencil around all day just for one class. And let's face it: what is the difference between erasable pen and a pencil? Virtually nothing, except the color of the mark. So I just decided to use my erasable pen for my homework. After all, any rational person knows they're the same; and the practical need for a pencil is satisfied by an erasable pen. So I did my homework in erasable pen and turned it in only to receive it back with a check minus and it was counted against my grade.
I protested and showed the teacher that it was erasable. He said he didn't care. His rule is no pen and that was in pen. But what's the difference I asked? The difference he said was that he doesn't accept pen - erasable or not. He tried to say that erasable pen didn't erase cleanly and left smudging. But in reality, I had good pens that erased easily. I got angry and ripped up my paper right in front of the teacher and the whole class. He yelled at me and said that I would need to keep that to study for the test. I raised my voice back and said something to the effect that it didn't matter - it's a useless piece of paper because it's in pen. What good is it?! Of course I did need it to study from, but I wasn't thinking clearly through my anger.
Later, my math teacher from the year before who liked me and had helped me a lot to get through my pre-calc class confronted me. Apparently my new teacher told her about my incident and was inquiring about me. She said that it wasn't like me and questioned my outburst. I told her that I was a senior, who in less than a year would be on my own completely at college. I didn't think a silly pen verses pencil rule in the classroom kingdom should affect my grade. What does it have to do with my math skills?! [I still stand by my reasoning!] She said something that proved to be very profound. She said, "It doesn't matter how you feel about it. The teacher made a rule and you have to follow that rule or face the consequences. When an authority figure tells you to do something...you do it." And you know what...she was right. When I have been in job situations where a boss whants a report a certain way, and I think, "he doesn't know what he's talking about. It'll be much easier to do/read if I do it my way..." I always face redoing it the boss's way! [That doesn't mean you shouldn't be innovative or make suggestions and ask for permission.] The point here is that you may be completely right. Your reasoning and logic can be bulletproof. But the person in charge is in charge and you must submit to those in authority over you.
As a believer in Christ, we know that anyone who has authority (good or bad) is granted that authority by God: "Let every soul be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and the authorities that exist are appointed by God.Therefore whoever resists the authority resists the ordinance of God, and those who resist will bring judgment on themselves...Do what is good, and you will have praise from the same... But if you do evil, be afraid; for he does not bear the sword in vain; for he is God's minister, an avenger to execute wrath on him who practices evil." Romans 13:1-4 truncated
To be clear though, there are times when authority is not to be followed. Those times are:
-When the authority asks or requires you to break God's law.
-When the authority asks or requires you to break the civil or criminal law of the land.
-When the authority asks or requires you to do something that would hurt you or does something to you that hurts you physically, emotionally, psychologically, or spiritually.
-And when the authority asks or requires you to do something that would hurt another person.
otherwise, don't assume, don't take liberty and don't rebel because the authority is "stupid." But the message today is that you do what authority requires you to do. Once again: When people in authority set a rule, they mean it. Sometimes, there are no second chances. When a police officer says to lie on the ground, you do it without protest and without question. They have a badge, and a gun and that gives them the authority. If you don't comply...you get a baton to the head and a knee in your back! Rules are rules and those who make the rules aren't kidding. DO NOT expect leniency!
This goes for God in the most important way. God has given us his Word. His law. His instruction for life and His code for our conduct. God is perfect, holy and sin cannot be in his presence. Sin is our rebellion against God's commandments. Our questioning of His authority is not an option. Sin means we have done something God told us not to do.
God also says that the wages of sin are death (Romans 6:23)...That sin separates us from Him.(Isaiah 59:2) Because if we were allowed to be in his presence as sinful beings, His righteousness, His goodness would incinerate us. He's THAT PURE! The punishment for sin against God is death. That death is our final physical death apart from God. If we die separated from God, we will be separated from His presence forever. [The good news is that if we believe in Jesus, our sins are forgiven and we can approach God cleansed by the sacrifice of Jesus! We are clean forever and our physical death gives us spiritual life forever with Jesus!]
So when God says, Thou shalt not..." listen up. He means it! When Jesus says in John 14:6, ""I am the way, the truth, and the life. No one comes to the Father except through Me." He is not kidding! He doesn't mean..."oh, except for hinduism or taoism, or islam, or any other way YOU choose to believe in a god." It's not all the same! Not all roads lead to God. Not even many roads lead to God! Jesus says there is one way and you know what...I believe Him.
It's unfortunate that many see this as intolerance or God being an angry god. But unlike my twelfth grade math teacher, God has shown us mercy and grace! I got no second chance from Mr. Gunkel (my math teacher). His rule was complete and justice was swift. And so it will be for those who disobey God. But for those who seek mercy (Mercy = not getting what you deserve), God goes even further and gives us Grace (Grace = getting that [good] which we don't deserve). God Himself became man- Jesus- and suffered and was given in our place to the wages of sin. He didn't sin and did not deserve death, but He took ours on Himself so that because He died, we don't have to. We are not only forgiven of our sins past, present and future...we are given Heaven! We get to be in God's presence for eternity IF we accept His sacrifice of His son in our place just as the Jews sacrificed animals for a temporary forgiveness. Now Jesus' forgiveness on the cross is eternal. But we have to walk in it! We have to abide in His Spirit. Jesus says: "If you love Me, keep My commandments." John 14:15 We are no longer bound by the heavy LAW. We are free in Jesus, but if we truly understand what He did for us, we will love Him and BECAUSE we love Him we keep His commandments! We are not slaves to death and sin. We do not fear hell and eternal separation from God. We don't do good things because they are obligatory or because we want to avoid hell. We do good things in Jesus name because He gave everything for us!
So...All of that to say again: When people in authority set a rule, they mean it. Sometimes, there are no second chances.
And God is the greatest of all authority... so take heed to His Word.
Excuses only satisfy those who make them.
Don't make excuses. You would do well to keep that as a personal rule. Make it a part of who you are.
Excuses are different from explanations. I am not directing you to never speak up for yourself or to simply be silent when an explanation is necessary. What I am saying is that when you fail, when you make a mistake, when you fall short, when you feel foolish, when you flub it, when you just did it wrong, when you missed the mark, when there's an "if only", when you make the wrong choice... Don't make excuses. Here's what you should do:
BE A MAN. That's right, this is another piece to our real man definition puzzle. A man takes responsibility. Own up to it. Sometimes it's not even necessary or prudent to give an explanation of how things happened or how you got to where you are.
Very often, the best course of action for a man "facing the music" is to take full responsibility along with the consequences that result and move forward learning from the mistake, internalizing it and never letting it happen again. When it is in fact your fault, just say, "Yes sir. I understand sir. It's my fault and I'm sorry, sir. It won't happen again, sir." And MEAN IT. It will hurt. It will bruise your ego. It will sting your pride and it will grow you as a man of God. It will be the best teacher. "Christianity helps us face the music even when we don't like the tune." ~Phillips Brooks
In so many instances in my life when I've hemmed and hawed and stammered and came up with logical, intelligent, feasible excuses, even TRUE excuses...they leave me feeling dumb, looking weak and usually just as guilty in the eyes of those around me as if I had confessed my mistake or oversight.
You'll see. One day you will be called to the plate for something that went wrong and you will cower in an excuse. Not because you're bad, but because you're a fallible human. Hopefully you will remember this principle from your daddy and never do that, but I know life and people and it will probably happen at least once. But if you stand like a man and take your lumps, those around you - over you and under you will respect you that much more. And their memory of the mistake will fade, but their view of your character will be annealed.
Which leads me to the aspect of leadership. When you are a leader, charged with authority over others, it's your responsibility to manage the resources under your control. So when one of your subordinates makes a mistake that impacts your responsibility to others, do not pass the buck. A good leader, a real man takes responsibility for those whom he leads. When the authority over you questions the mistake or failure of your team...it's not time to blame your team and offer excuses about how, "John was not performing...sick...incompetent..."whatever. The answer is, "Yes sir. I understand sir. It's my fault and I'm sorry, sir. It won't happen again, sir." And then you can let loose on John in private and either manage him to success or terminate him. But as far as your boss is concerned, the responsibility lies at your feet. And you should pick it up and learn how to manage your people better because of it.
A real man takes responsibility.
"Music has been my playmate, my lover, and my crying towel." ~Buffy Sainte-Marie
Today, not so much a lesson as time for you to get some insight into your daddy.
Music is the only medium in which a total stranger can capture exactly what I'm feeling at a certain moment in time and encapsulate it so perfectly into 2 minutes of drums and poetry. [You can quote me on that...yeah, it's my original thought!]
So here is something funny about you: You already love music. You can be eating, playing, falling asleep, whatever, and when you hear music, you stop everything and look to the music. You even smile or laugh with the music. When you were a little baby (1-6 months), and you would get upset, I would hold you and sing oldies (doowop or 1950's and 60's songs) to you. It would stop your crying for the moment and my voice soothed you. It was the first way that you and I could really connect. I would even dance to Dean Martin and other oldies while holding you in my arms. You loved it. I got some of it on video...not sure if the tape survived though.
There is a commercial on TV for I/O Digital cable from Cablevision. It's a horrible and loud commercial with Mexican type rap music and a lot of craziness and nonsense happening on-screen. But you LOVE it. You laugh at it, smile, and you recognize it immediately when it comes on. You stare so intently. You turn fully around from your mommy when she's feeding you in order to watch this crazy commercial. I wish it was something other than this commercial, but you definitely have an early affinity for music.
I LOVE music. I am so glad that you like music. Music enriches life and can define moments for a person. "Music is the art which is most nigh to tears and memory." ~Oscar Wilde Your mom can tell you that I can hear certain songs and immediately tell you what year it came out, how old I was, what grade I was in, where I was, what was going on in my life, and what it meant to me. I've always connected songs to my life, to specific memories, and to people. When I hear a song that is connected to me, I can instantly be brought back to that place in my life. I remember people's faces, places, smells, feelings, emotions, laughs, love, etc., etc., etc. It is a powerful vehicle and in away, it's how I store my memories. Music is a sort of directory for the files in my mind. I can go years without thinking of certain things and as soon as a song comes on that I associate with it...it's like I've rediscovered a memory... a treasure. "Music is what feelings sound like." Anonymous
This is the part where you get to know me a little better... I'll give you some examples here and as time goes on I'll share more.
Breakfast At Tiffany's by Deep Blue Something. Aaahhh... That came out towards the end of the summer of 1995. One of the best years of my life. I had just lost about 30 pounds of fat and replaced a lot of it with muscle. I was working out every day with Bobby Castellano. We were bench pressing 315lbs as a work out. That summer I spent every single night hanging out with uncle Chris, Joe Carlone, Toby Metzger, Dave Scheur, Uncle Darrin, and Andy Gojdeic. When I hear this song, I flash to the Townhouses at Trenton State College. They were brand new dorms- more like apartments with suites of single rooms...in fact, they were not even completed yet when I moved in on August 27th. It was a week before school started. I was selected to be a community coordinator (a housing manager for dorm life). I was part of the first team ever in these new buildings, and that was our training week. It was hot and sunny and I was a kind of superstar on campus [at least in my own mind,] when I moved into Townhouses East. That was my Junior year of college and it was great. That song embodies the opportunity and fun that lay ahead of me on that sunny day. I bought my first stereo system and the cassette single of that song for my room. The words mean nothing in respect to that time in my life...just a great song at a great time.
ICE ICE BABY, Vanilla Ice. Too funny. It's really a good song. Darrin Stone and I would drive around in his orange and brown sport van for hours with nowhere to go listening to this song. Years later, Darrin and I were in Charleston, South Carolina visiting Uncle Chris at college. We were in an apartment with about 10 or 15 of uncle Chris's friends at the time. Some one, for some reason that I can't remember started vocalizing the very distinct opening music of ICE ICE BABY and the next thing you know EVERYBODY in the room started to sing the song all at once and finished the first two stanzas in hysterical laughter and a feeling of camaraderie that only music could stir in such a short time. It was a classic moment. I'll never forget it. Uncle Chris might remember that as the night I brought him THE ROCK for his dorm room. Don't ask...
And Finally, I'll tell you about MY Poppop. When my Poppop passed away, I felt a deep loss. He had Alzheimer's disease for most of my adult life. So I never got to know who he was as a person - as a man. [Which is why this journal is important to me to do for you.] He had shared stories about his life, about his childhood, and some funny and cool things with me when I was very young that I still cherish. But for the most part I didn't know the man that he was before Alzheimer's. When he died, i remember thinking to myself, "I don't even know what kind of music he liked, or what his favorite songs were... I don't know about the important times in his life...etc."
At that time, I was listening exclusively to Christian music and there was a beautiful song by Selah (not their original work) entitled: It Is Well With My Soul. It's a beautiful song written in the 19th century by a Christian man who lost his whole family - wife and three daughters- to an oceanliner tragedy at sea. The song is a great comfort to those who are going through trials or loss. It was my favorite song at the time. They sang it in the church at his funeral and it tore me apart. I wept at the words. I missed him. When I was talking to my grandmother, his wife, afterwards I shared that I was moved by the song and surprised that they chose to sing that one in particular. She said, "Oh that was his favorite song." What? "Yeah, he loved that song, he would always want them to play it and when they did, he was so happy." I almost hit the floor. God is so good. He let me have that little bit of insight into my poppop and even more into God's own faithfulness and mercy. The very thing I specifically lamented not knowing, God answered and it happened to be something that my poppop and I shared - the love of a song. "It Is Well With My Soul." "Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent." ~Victor Hugo
God has given us the gift of music for praise. We can sing to Him and praise Him and drink deeply of who He is through music. I often tear up when a hymn or a song reminds me of who God is and how much He loves me. "There is nothing in the world so much like prayer as music is." ~William P. Merrill It's the easiest and sometimes most profound way to talk with God when you just don't know what to say. It is the language of Heaven!
So love music. Enjoy it, live it. Just be careful what you let into your soul through your ears. Music can be just as easily twisted for evil, for discontent, dissent, anger, rebellion, and destruction. Choose wisely what you listen to in this world. Satan can use music to his favor as well. Guard your heart and let no song that contradicts God's Word take hold of you!
Use music as a part of your expression, as a part of your experience in this world. Listen to the words...analyze them. What did the author mean? what does it mean to you? Soak it up and bathe in it! Make it the soundtrack of your life!
"You are the music while the music lasts." ~T.S. Eliot [This is an incredibly poetic and profound statement.]
I added a new piece to the Miscellaneous page. It's a song list. Some will have lyrics. Some will just be title and artist. Others will include my explanation of what the song means to me. Just a way for me to share myself with you.
I want you to know that this site is not easy to do. A lot of what I am putting out here is embarrassing for me to read and even more embarrassing for others to read. So this is just a note to tell you that while it's difficult, I want to do this for you so that you'll always have a piece of me and so that what I've learned is not wasted, but hopefully passed on and used by you!
You know that reminds me of a movie that turned into a TV series called The Highlander. In short, it's about immortals who are among us regular folks. they're people who can't die naturally. In the story, there are good and bad immortals, but in the end, there can be only one left, so they battle to be "the one." The only way to kill an immortal is to cut off his head ( I know, it's violent). But when one immortal does kill another, the winner absorbs all of the power and knowledge of the one he killed AND all of those he killed, and so on and so on. So I guess my hope in this website is that you "get it" and make these lessons part of your life, part of your character. Be like the Highlander who becomes stronger through those who came before him. Take my knowledge and that which I have gleaned from those before me. Let it empower you.
By the way, you'll notice that several entries can have the same date. That's not a mistake. They're separate thoughts that I journaled on the same day. Sometimes consecutively...sometimes throughout the day.
I miss my nanny. My nanny died about 6 years before you were born. She would have LOVED you. I wish you could meet her. She was so sweet and giving. In fact, I think I would have had to keep her from trying to kidnap you to keep her for yourself. I want you to have a great relationship with all your grandparents. They are special people in your life. I think about my Nanny everyday. Something will remind me of her, or I'll think about a time when we did something, or pass a place we used to go, or hear a song, or sometimes, she just pops into my head for no reason. I have a lot of regrets in regard to time not spent with her. Don't create those regrets for yourself. Spend time, pour yourself into your grandparents and treat them well. They love you more than you know. And your memories of them when they're gone will be priceless, so never waste an opportunity to gain another memory .
Sometimes, I was bored being with my nanny. Other times, I had places to go or people to see that made me cut my time with her short. I was often preoccupied when I was with her. I regret each of those instances. I wish I could go back and hug her and spend time with her and redeem those times. But I can't. You still can!
I hate hospitals. I hate the smell, the atmosphere, the staleness of them and the sadness that surrounds them. When my nanny was in the hospital, I did visit her, but I didn't spend a lot of time. I just didn't like being there. I sometimes skipped out on visiting her altogether. She was scared and lonely and I neglected her. When she needed me most, I flaked on her for my own comfort. There isn't much I wouldn't give to be able to go back and change that. But regret is a horrible thing and we can't dwell in the past. The Lord has plans for us and we need to look forward to what He has in store. I will always regret those things, but I have a promise that makes it all better. I will see my nanny again! Because Jesus died in our place, we get to go to Heaven when we believe in Him and accept His sacrifice. My nanny and I will be in heaven together and all the bad stuff will be forgotten. God is good!
Always check your sources.
In this day and age, and by the time you're old enough to read and understand this, there is so much information available at a moment's notice. TV, cable, internet, 24hr news, podcasts, texting, blogs, instant messaging, etc... There is a literal overload of information and we end up getting only snippets, soundbytes of information that we believe and then perpetuate. There are movies aimed at propaganda and changing people's minds politically. It seems like there is an agenda in every media source.
Don't trust information that you receive. Check the source - always. Always prefer what is known as a prime source. It's the original - the place from where the information came. A firsthand, personal eyewitness is always preferable to a second or third hand account. Then, once you have the source, check the source's methods, their sources, and their own agenda for any slants or biases. Verifiable and reproducible studies or research are always preferred to one-time scientific observances or untested hypotheses. Whole social movements have been based on false statistics and lies. The abortionists of the 1970's boldly proclaimed that 10,000 women per year died because of illegal "backalley' abortions that were provided in unsanitary conditions or by unskilled/unlicensed physicians. The nation's attitude about abortion was shaped by this...the logic of the common person being, "it's better to make it legal and provide safe conditions than to have these women do it anyway and die." The only problem is that there are only 39 deaths of women associated with botched abortions in the year before it became illegal. There is no verifiable source of the 10,000 number. In fact, one of the leaders of the movement who is now pro-life admitted to making up the numbers:
'Dr. Bernard Nathanson -- who was one of the original leaders of the American pro-abortion movement and co-founder of N.A.R.A.L. (National Abortion Rights Action League), and who has since become pro-life -- admits that he and others in the abortion rights movement intentionally fabricated the number of women who allegedly died as a result of illegal abortions." http://www.christiananswers.net/q-sum/q-life003.html
Unfortunately, the majority of Americans today run around quoting bad numbers and spreading misinformation and base their worldview on fabrications and manipulative propaganda. You need to check sources and don't accept anyone's facts who can't cite a verifiable source. On the flip side, always be able to quote sources and cite where those sources can be found. I keep files of important articles and information for future reference. It is powerful in an argument when you question sources and the person you are arguing with can't give specifics. It is even more powerful when you can provide your own to bolster your argument.
My son, Kolel.
Your Hebrew name is Kolel. Qoell We gave you that name for a couple of reasons. It is a unique name. No one (that we know of at least) has had that name before. It is modeled after the names of prophets like Daniel and Ezekiel. Their names have meaning. Daniel means "God is my judge" and Ezekiel means "God strengthens" or "God's strength." Kolel, your name, means "the voice of God" or "God's voice." Believe it or not, I came up with that name from the superhero Superman - but also by learning Biblical Hebrew. When I was taking Hebrew in Bible college, I learned the meaning of El, which is a contracted form of Elohim - or the proper noun for the word God in Hebrew and it only refers to the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. I also learned that Qol or Kol means "voice." Of course you know that I am also a huge superman fan. I was intrigued after putting two and two together.
You see, the superman comic book was created by a Jewish man named Jerry Siegal. And Superman's Kryptonian name is Kal-el. Superman's Kryptonian father's name was Jar-el. So I wondered if Jerry Siegal was a God fearing man who used his knowledge of Hebrew to embed godly messages into his superhero characters. Although, many have tried to make the connection of a supernatural father sending his son to Earth to save it, It was not meant to be a Christian allegory by the creator of the series. The more I looked into it, I came to the conclusion that if there was any godly connection, it was lost a long time ago and in fact, was probably never the intent. But that research gave me the idea to use the same formula to name you in Hebrew, which we did formally at your Bris. Kolel (very much sounding like Kal-el) has the added benefit to me of invoking a superboy reference to my son. But the real reason is much deeper than that and it is wholly for the glory of God.
Your Hebrew name has deep meaning for you, for your mom and me, for your extended family, for your Jewish brethren, and for your world. You see, I have prayed for you since before you were born. And on the day God gave you to us, I dedicated you back to him. Your mom and I prayed over you right there in the hospital and gave you back to the Lord. My prayers for you from before birth have always included that God will use you mightily. God has a plan for you. He knew you before you were born and He has made a plan for you - to prosper you. (Jeremiah 29:11) My prayer, my request to God, is that that plan includes winning many to Jesus.
Your Jewish heritage gives you a unique platform with which to witness. A Jewish person who accepts his Messiah is a fulfilled Jew! You have the privilege that I can never boast. You are one of God's chosen people. I am an adopted son, grafted in according to Romans 11. You will have the special bond of not only being a seed of Abraham, but also being a disciple of Yeshua HaMeshiach - Jesus the Messiah. It gives you a unique perspective, an open door, as well as a great responsibility. As a Jewish Believer or Hebrew Christian, you will have the chance to speak to your Jewish brothers and sisters about their Messiah. You will be God's voice to them. You will be God's voice to your family. You will be a mouthpiece for God. Allow Him to use you - not in your power or for your glory, but in God's strength and for His glory! He will make you a fisher of men. When you develop your relationship with Jesus, you will find Him to be a loving and warm father. He is a good and giving God. He is intimately involved in your life and He not only wants the best for you, but He knows what''s best for you! He not only knows what's best for you, but He has all power and authority to give it to you. That means if you follow Him and allow Him to put His will in your life... You will always have God's best for you.
Be God's voice in your generation! Fulfill your role in His plan for you. "For you are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus, for good works that God has prepared BEFOREHAND that you should walk in them." You see, according to Ephesians 2:10, God actually prepared good things for you to do before you were even born! So be obedient to His calling and do every good thing that He has prepared for you. Kolel, be God's tool on earth. Say, "Here am I Lord! Send me!" And I promise that He will!
At your bris, I gave a message. And that Message was from Genesis 12-15. Where God calls Abraham. God did not call Abraham because of Abraham's great skills. He did not call Abraham because of his great spirituality or righteousness. God did not call Abraham because he was a good person! God chose Abraham because Abraham knew God intimately, and BELIEVED in what God told him. Abraham was saved by faith. Abraham was not perfect. In fact, he failed a lot and sinned a lot. But God didn't abandon him! God knew Abraham loved Him and because of that He made a great nation of Abraham - of which YOU are a part! The same will be true for you Kolel. If you believe in Jesus, he will account it to you for righteousness. Believe that Jesus is God's son, that He, Jesus, God Himself came down to humble Himself as a man, live a sinless life, endure rejection, torture, and death as punishment for your sins- in your place so that you don't have to, and that He rose again and now rules and reigns - then you will have the same chance as Abraham. The chance to know God as friend, as teacher, as master, as savior, as father. The chance to have a real relationship with Him.
Think! "...For whatever a man sows, that he will also reap."
Think before you do things! Would you think about things before you do them?! These are all things that my dad would yell at me after I did something stupid. As a kid, I heard this pretty often. It was quite embarrassing and somewhat hurtful when he would yell those things at me, especially in front of other people. The thing is, that looking back as an adult, I realize how much I needed that. Now, I think about things before I do them...almost to a fault. But I can't tell you how many times that voice of my dad yelling in my head has saved me. Before I do things now, I often hear that voice and stop to THINK.
It's really foolproof advice. Whether it's sending an angry e-mail response, cutting open a box with a sharp knife, or stepping off a curb to cross the street. It always works! There are admittedly, still times when I don't hear the voice, or more often, when I ignore the voice screaming, "Stop! Think!"
Here's my most poignant memory of my dad yelling this at me: I don't know how old I was, maybe seven? I was in my backyard with my brother, your uncle Chris. I had a whiffle ball bat that I would hold in one hand with both arms outstretched to my sides. I would spin and spin as fast as i could and as i got dizzy I would let the bat go- flying through the air. I did it a few times before without incident and each time I did several repetitions of this thoughtless exercise. Well, this time, my brother was in proximity. And when I let go of the bat, it was one of those moments that goes in slow motion. You know as soon as you do it that you shouldn't have done it and you spend the next hundredth of a second thinking, "NOOOOOOOO!"
Well, when I let the bat go, it just happened to be on a direct missle guided path to my brother and it did in fact hit him right in the face - on his eye no less. My dad also was outside with us and when my brother started crying I heard the painful question from my dad, "What did you do?!" As he comforted Chris and I tried to explain myself, he did it. My dad yelled, "Why don't you ever think before you do things?!" then I got spanked.
I realize as my dad probably did then that part of being a kid is not thinking before you do things. Not a good thing, but it's inherent in childhood. I know there is probably nothing I could have done to get my brain to think before doing things at 5, 6, or even 10 years old. It's just part of growing up and maturing. But I truly truly truly hope that you take this to heart and learn to think before you do things at an extremely young age.
Just stop and think, OK, if I do it this way, what might happen? What would be the consequences of this action? If I pull this, what is going to fall on my head? If I say this, what will be the consequence to the other person emotionally? Is it worth it? is there another way? Is this safe?
Every time I pick up a knife, my mind is contemplating what will happen if I cut one way over another...what will happen if the knife skips? What way should I cut to avoid cutting myself? Where are my fingers?
And that's what I want to ingrain in you. I know it may hurt. It will be embarrassing, and as I said, I would love to never have to utter those words to you. But if I yell at you to think, it's only because it worked on me and I'm glad for it. I'm glad my dad emphasized that. He could have just punished me, but he taught me a lesson through it...One that was cultivated over years and years of my stupid actions resulting in bad results. I guess in some ways, my mind is stopping to think because the little kid in me is trying to avoid my dad yelling at me. Except that now, I'm avoiding pain, jail, hurt feelings, burnt bridges, and occasionally death.
Think! Because a real man considers his actions and their consequences, especially to other people.
Think Critically! to go along with the last couple of topics about checking sources and thinking, I want to teach you to think critically. Thinking critically does not mean simple criticism. It means not simply accepting information at face value in a non-critical or non-evaluating way. The essence of critical thinking centers not on answering questions but on questioning answers. It involves questioning, probing, analysing, evaluating. Question everything. How do you know that? Where did those numbers come from? Why...? Why...? Why...?
Jesus modeled a public way of critical thinking. Asking questions. This is very effective in a debate, especially with an uninformed person who has a poorly supported belief or argument. You'll find as you grow, that a large majority of people will argue about things for which they have no knowledge and no supporting sources. They heard it somewhere or it just sounds good to them.
Jesus exhibits His infinite wisdom through critical thinking in the Gospels. Matthew 12 and 22 are great examples: Matt 12 verses 1-5 "At that time Jesus went through the grainfields on the Sabbath. And His disciples were hungry, and began to pluck heads of grain and to eat. And when the Pharisees saw it, they said to Him, "Look, Your disciples are doing what is not lawful to do on the Sabbath!" But He said to them, "Have you not read what David did when he was hungry, he and those who were with him: how he entered the house of God and ate the showbread which was not lawful for him to eat, nor for those who were with him, but only for the priests? Or have you not read in the law that on the Sabbath the priests in the temple profane the Sabbath, and are blameless?"
Matt 12verses 9-13 "He went into their synagogue. And behold, there was a man who had a withered hand. And they asked Him, saying, "Is it lawful to heal on the Sabbath?"--that they might accuse Him. Then He said to them, "What man is there among you who has one sheep, and if it falls into a pit on the Sabbath, will not lay hold of it and lift it out? Of how much more value then is a man than a sheep? Therefore it is lawful to do good on the Sabbath." Then He said to the man, "Stretch out your hand." And he stretched it out, and it was restored as whole as the other."
Matt 12 verses 22-30 "Then one was brought to Him who was demon-possessed, blind and mute; and He healed him, so that the blind and mute man both spoke and saw. And all the multitudes were amazed and said, "Could this be the Son of David?" Now when the Pharisees heard it they said, "This fellow does not cast out demons except by Beelzebub, the ruler of the demons." But Jesus knew their thoughts, and said to them: "Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation, and every city or house divided against itself will not stand. If Satan casts out Satan, he is divided against himself. How then will his kingdom stand? And if I cast out demons by Beelzebub, by whom do your sons cast them out? Therefore they shall be your judges. But if I cast out demons by the Spirit of God, surely the kingdom of God has come upon you. Or how can one enter a strong man's house and plunder his goods, unless he first binds the strong man? And then he will plunder his house. He who is not with Me is against Me, and he who does not gather with Me scatters abroad."
Matt 22 verses 15 to 46 "Then the Pharisees went and plotted how they might entangle Him in His talk. And they sent to Him their disciples with the Herodians, saying, "Teacher, we know that You are true, and teach the way of God in truth; nor do You care about anyone, for You do not regard the person of men. Tell us, therefore, what do You think? Is it lawful to pay taxes to Caesar, or not?" But Jesus perceived their wickedness, and said, "Why do you test Me, you hypocrites? Show Me the tax money." So they brought Him a denarius. And He said to them, "Whose image and inscription is this?" They said to Him, "Caesar's." And He said to them, "Render therefore to Caesar the things that are Caesar's, and to God the things that are God's." When they had heard these words, they marveled, and left Him and went their way.
The same day the Sadducees, who say there is no resurrection, came to Him and asked Him, saying: "Teacher, Moses said that if a man dies, having no children, his brother shall marry his wife and raise up offspring for his brother. Now there were with us seven brothers. The first died after he had married, and having no offspring, left his wife to his brother. Likewise the second also, and the third, even to the seventh. Last of all the woman died also. Therefore, in the resurrection, whose wife of the seven will she be? For they all had her." Jesus answered and said to them, "You are mistaken, not knowing the Scriptures nor the power of God. For in the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but are like angels of God F119 in heaven. But concerning the resurrection of the dead, have you not read what was spoken to you by God, saying, 'I am the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, and the God of Jacob'? F120 God is not the God of the dead, but of the living." And when the multitudes heard this, they were astonished at His teaching.
But when the Pharisees heard that He had silenced the Sadducees, they gathered together. Then one of them, a lawyer, asked Him a question, testing Him, and saying, "Teacher, which is the great commandment in the law?" Jesus said to him, "'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.' This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets."
While the Pharisees were gathered together, Jesus asked them, saying, "What do you think about the Christ? Whose Son is He?" They said to Him, "The Son of David." He said to them, "How then does David in the Spirit call Him 'Lord,' saying: 'The Lord said to my Lord, "Sit at My right hand, Till I make Your enemies Your footstool" '? "If David then calls Him 'Lord,' how is He his Son?" And no one was able to answer Him a word, nor from that day on did anyone dare question Him anymore. "
The strength of a man isn't in how many women he's loved.
It's in whether he can be true to the ONE woman he's trying to love.
The strength of a man isn't seen in the width of his shoulders.
It's seen in the width of his arms that encircle and protect you.
The strength of a man isn't in the deep tone of his voice.
It is in the gentle words he whispers.
The strength of a man isn't in the words he speaks.
It's in how he keeps his word.
The strength of a man isn't in how hard he hits.
It's in how tender he touches.
The strength of a man isn't in the weight he can lift.
It's in the burdens he can carry.
The strength of a man isn't in the hair on his chest.
It's in his heart that lies within his chest.
-Unknown
Correlation does not prove causation
Here is another Critical Thinking factoid to remember: Correlation does not prove causation. Memorize this! This is something I learned in statistics class in college. Here's what it means: Just because two factors show a perceived relationship (correlate), it doesn't prove that one causes the other. Here's an example:
For the ten year period from 1990 to 2000, the honey bee population in America dropped. During the same time, the glaciers of Antarctica melted and receded by 10%.
In this example, the population of bees in America CORRELATES to the melting of glaciers in Antarctica. So many who do NOT think critically would automatically assume that the honey bees in America cause the glaciers in Antarctica to melt. Or they may just as well assume that that the melting of glaciers in Antarctica causes a population of honey bees in America. Either way, there is no evidence and no observed cause and effect to assume that either of these factors affects the other or causes the other. Granted, with research, it may be revealed that in fact there is a cause and effect relationship between these otherwise independent facts. But until that time, the correlation is meaningless.
The danger is when people use correlation as fact of cause and effect. If it has been proved through solid research and evidence, then that is a different story. But if it is just simply two random facts that correlate, many people will use the "statistic" to deceive others. A great example of this is television advertisements for diet pills. Diet pills are marketed by advertisers who use the success of people who have lost weight while they were taking the diet pills. However, in small print on the screen, you will see that they usually add that an appropriate regime of healthy diet and regular exercise were also followed and should be followed to achieve similar results. But the loud voices you hear and the large print on the commercial are using the correlation of the weight loss to the use of the pill as proof. We know that the diet and exercise could well have been the sole cause for the weight loss effect. However, many people will buy the diet pills because of the unsubstantiated correlation.
Look for this in everyday life, in advertising, in research results, in scientific conclusions, and in people's arguments on common topics. Point it out to those who use it as fact. Just say, "That may be true, but correlation does not prove causation." And the argument will most likely be won on the spot.
Here are some tips for critical thinking. Run through these on a regular basis and practice questioning and thinking within this framework. I adapted many of these from this website: http://www.rogerdarlington.me.uk/thinking.html Although I don't agree with everything he puts forth.
Remember that prominence does not equate to importance. Try an experiment: one day, buy five or six national newspapers, compare their coverage of the same stories on the same day, and note the different prominence - and the different slant - given to the same stories.
Check the source. Who wrote the article or scripted the program? How knowledgeable is the source? Does the source have a particular interest or 'angle' or prejudice? Is the source known to you by reputation or previous work? In the case of a Web site in particular, it may be difficult to establish the source.
Use different sources.
Always prefer prime sources. A newspaper quote from a report may be accurate but, when you obtain and study the report itself, you might find that the quote was selective or unrepresentative of the work as a whole.
Check the date. Generally speaking, the more recent the material, the more accurate it is likely to be and the more useful it is. This is especially the case in changing situations. On the Web, material is frequently undated and one needs to be aware that it could be outdated.
Check the publisher or promoter or funder. Many newspapers, magazines and television stations have a definite political orientation and can be expected to push a particular 'line' or interpretation. A Government source may be regarded as particularly authoritative or dangerously partial, depending on the circumstances. A report on the effect of smoking on cancer rates might be regarded with some caution if the underlying research is found to be funded by tobacco companies.
Be especially skeptical about surveys and polls. Who is funding the project; how the questions are chosen, worded and posed; how those questioned are selected and the context in which the questions are put to them; how the statistical analysis is carried out and the statistics are interpreted; how the findings are presented and reported (or misreported) - all these factors can have a massive influence.
Make temporal comparisons. If a company announces that it has increased revenues by 25% in the last three years, look at the rate of growth in revenues in the three previous years. they may have had a 50% loss the previous year, which would mean they are still not even.
Make geographical comparisons. If the government claims that it is now spending 10% of Gross Domestic Product on the health service, compare that with the percentage expenditure in other industrialised countries.
Always look for evidence. The Scottish philosopher David Hulme noted that "A wise man proportions his belief to the evidence".
Beware of making assumptions. So, just because a particular source is usually accurate doesn't necessarily make it accurate this time. Just because the facts can be explained by one particular scenario doesn't mean that another scenario isn't possible and maybe even more likely.
Remember Occam's Razor [the maxim is named after William of Occam, the philosopher who was probably born at Ockham in Surrey]. When two or more explanations are possible on the basis of the same facts, always prefer the simplest possible explanation, unless there are very good reasons for favoring a more complex - and therefore more unlikely - one.
For example, the pyramids in Egypt could have been designed and constructed by the Egyptians living at the time of the pharoahs or they could have been built according to plans brought to earth by aliens. Both explanations would explain the observable phenomena, but Occam's Razor suggests that we should adopt the explanation that requires the fewest assumptions since there is simply no need to make extra assumptions unless there is good evidence to support them. Or, as the scientist Albert Einstein put it: "Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler".
Be aware that, when observing a situation, the observer can sometimes change the situation. A classic example of this has come to be known as 'the Hawthorne effect', named after the location of a factory in the USA where some studies were conducted in the 1920s. The researchers were trying to establish what change in working conditions would lead to an increase in productivity. To the astonishment of the researchers, they found that every change in conditions - and even a return to the original conditions - resulted in an increase in production. They concluded that this was because the workers were being motivated by the interest shown in them by the researchers. A similar situation occurs in experiments to test the efficacy of drugs or medical treatments and, in this case, it is known as 'the placebo response'. A placebo is a 'pill' made of sugar or a 'tonic' containing nothing medicinal which is used with a control group of patients to compare with another group taking the drug or treatment that is beng tested. What researchers have found is that frequently a placebo has a positive effect because the person taking it believes it to be efficacious.
Have at least a basic understanding of statistics. A figure without a context is often meaningless. For instance, it might be reported that this weekend there were 10 deaths on Britain's roads. What does this mean? To obtain some context, it would be useful to know the number of deaths for each weekend in the last month, year or decade and more helpfully calculate the average figure for each of those periods. Sometimes, however, the average can be a misleading measure. For example, if there was a major motorway smash-up last weekend or a petrol shortage last month or a particularly severe winter this year, the average for a particular period may be distorted or skewed by an exceptional figure or two. In these circumstances, it is good to know the difference between mean, median and mode. The mean is the arithmetic average of a range of figures; the median is the middle figure in a range of data arranged by value; and the mode is the figure which occurs most frequently in a set of data. Sometimes the median or mode may be a better indicator than the mean by reducing the impact of 'extreme' instances. [Dad to Joey: ask me about these and I'll teach them to you]
Translate' statistics. So, convert a percentage into an absolute figure. A claim to have increased customers by 100% might simply mean an increase from two to four. Conversely, a 2.5% increase in a nation's economic growth could - in the case, for instance, of the UK or the USA - mean the availability of billions of more pounds or dollars. Similarly, convert absolute numbers into percentages. A politician might claim that expenditure on the health service has increased by £500M which seems like a massive figure to someone earning £500 a week but, when expressed as a percentage of total expenditure on health, is seen to be proportionately a mere blip in expenditure patterns. Again conversely, it could be that paying a relatively small cash sum monthly into a pension scheme results in a 25% increase in payments in 20 years time.
Don't rest on authority. The scientist Albert Einstein once remarked: "Foolish faith in authority is the worst enemy of truth". In the early 1990s, I gave a presentation to a group of Russians using slides in Russian. At one point, I realised that I had been speaking to the wrong slide for the last five minutes. When I asked my audience why no one had told me this, I was advised that in Communist Russia no one challenged the teacher! Just because the management or the government states something does not necessarily mean that it is true. This is especially the case where there is a vested interest, so asbestos and cigarette manufacturers both claimed authoritatively for many years that their products were not damaging to health. Study the evidence and make an independent judgement based on the balance of the available evidence.
Deconstruct the elements of a work. In the case of a paper or speech, look at the arguments, the evidence, the structure, and the presentation.
Think about what is NOT there. When invited to respond to material, most people confine their comments or their thinking to what they can see or hear. Sometimes what is not there is just as important. You might want to ask: Why are certain arguments missing? Why have certain sources not been used? Is this the full picture? A political manifesto will inevitably mention achievements but not failures and will often criticise another party's policy or performance but fail to offer a constructive alternative. A company's annual report will put the most favourable possible 'gloss' on activities and not mention at all financial difficulties or threats from competitors.
Learn to think 'out of the box'. Albert Einstein once said that: "Problems cannot be solved by thinking within the framework in which they were created". For instance, you are asked to decide whether a new product should be designed square or triangular...but why not round or rectangular? Why not a sphere?
Try thinking like your adversary. If you are in a competitive situation - even if it is just a discussion or debate, but much more so if it is a business or a sport (or a war!) - put yourself in the mind of your competitor. If you were him or her, what would you do? If he were to think 'out of the box' or even to think the 'unthinkable', what might he do? How would you respond to that? Should you make such a move first? Even if this process of thought does not lead you to adopt a new strategy, it is a useful discipline that will change the way you look at the situation and how prepared you will be mentally for the unexpected or unlikely.
Test your thinking on others. run a possible answer or argument by a critical friend. Brainstorm your ideas before starting a piece of work. Show drafts of work in progress to colleagues or friends. Welcome corrections, suggestions and constructive criticism. Entertain challenge. Embrace change. Encourage diversity.
Finally, remember that 'thinking critically' ends in 'why?' The word 'why?' is the most powerful tool in your mental toolbox. Keep asking 'why?' Why is this person writing this story in this particular newspaper? Why is this politician making this statement now? Why has the author of this paper quoted this source and not that one? Why has she used a percentage instead of an absolute figure? Why am I asking all these questions?!?
The Bible tells us in Proverbs 13:20 "He who walks with wise men will be wise, But the companion of fools will suffer harm." and in 1Corinthians 15:33 - 'Do not be deceived: Evil company corrupts good habits."
You can tell a lot about people, whether good or bad, by the company they keep. Whom we associate with both reflects and reinforces our character. When we hang out with the wrong crowd, we reveal our character flaws, and our friends supersize our vices. On the other hand, when we hang out with the right crowd, we demonstrate good choices, and our friends magnify our virtues.
My exhortation to you is to choose your friends wisely. I have known some very good people who had a lot of opportunity and talent. But they chose to hang out with people who were lazy, angry, depressed, underachieving, self-destructive or otherwise poor companions and terrible role models. Often, friends are chosen because of a simple acceptance. People who feel insecure or who are different, often fall into bad crowds or into ungodly groups because they are accepted without criticism or judgment. Whatever the reason is, it is a sound rule of life that you become who you spend your time with. If your preferred set of friends likes a certain kind of music or dresses a certain way, you will most assuredly be led to do the same. Peer pressure is not necessarily an outright observable thing. It's more often a subtle pressure that causes people to conform in order to be accepted or to stay acceptable to their peers. It is, at its base, compromising who you are and what you stand for. Even a simple compromise such as how you wear your hair is a major statement of who you are. And people outside of your group WILL judge you by these things.
One of my closest friends in high school was George Burgess. He was by far the most popular kid in school. He was a sort of Ferris Beuler at Madison Central. Everybody liked him. He was class president from the 7th grade to junior year of high school. He treated everybody in a friendly way and was very outgoing and personable. The burnouts, the jocks, the nerds, the skaters... everybody liked George. He wasn't the smartest kid in school, or particularly handsome, and he was NO angel, but he was a success with people. He could tell a story like no one else I've ever known. His stories were entertaining and endearing. He had a way about him that put people at ease. Even teachers spoke to him as if he were an adult friend of theirs. Shoot, I saw a substitute teacher give him the answer to a question on a math test just because he asked!
Well, in our junior year of high school, George started dating a senior girl. She smoked and was into some bad stuff and her friends (more than her) were punks with no aspirations. It wasn't long before George was smoking. Then he started skipping classes (we had virtually the same class schedule). Skipping classes effected his grades and got him in-school suspension quite often. He also started dressing differently. No longer well kept, he wore a hooded sweatshirt with the hood up in class and let his hair grow and get kinda greasy-nasty.
By senior year, we no longer had the same classes because he dropped out of all of our honors level courses. He was given a freebie chance to become a peer leader (a senior program that worked with freshmen) which required a rigorous interview/candidacy process and he passed on it. He simply didn't want to do it. George stopped talking about college and I don't even know where he ended up going. He didn't run for class president as a senior. He just stopped caring.
Last I heard, George had served in the Marines, got out and was living in California as a hippie surfer. When we were in high school, he talked about being an author, a television host, all kinds of things. He had dreams.
I tell you all this because I know it was George's choice in friends and in a girlfriend that shaped who he became. He went from being an influential trail blazer to a burnout follower. His change in friends ruined him in a very very short amount of time. I had admired George for years. I modeled my personality after aspects of his that I saw were very successful. So, you can see that my choice in friends was beneficial. I learned how to speak in front of crowds from George. I learned the art of story telling, and how to be personable - to build rapport. I wasn't an exact clone, and I wasn't trying to be, but I learned something about how to be cool and about being "popular." I didn't compromise my true self. I didn't change who I was as a person, but I chose who I wanted to be and I honed those characteristics that would get me to where I wanted to go. George was an unwitting and excellent teacher for me. Until George lost his way. I was very disappointed with George and I and our other friends tried to pull him back out of his downward descent. But it didn't work. He had made his mind up about who he wanted to hang out with and how he wanted to be seen by others. I still see it as a real shame. He could have been anything he wanted to be. He could have gone anywhere he wanted.
God is no fool and He gave us those scriptures above for a reason. He knows that when we associate ourselves with good people, we will be likened to them. And the same goes for evil or foolish people. We become who we hang with. So, I hope you take this to heart. Choose good friends who stay away from trouble. Don't rebel for the sake of rebelling or fall into a loser group simply because they accept you. I would rather you be an unpopular kid with good friends and a pure heart than a popular kid in trouble and making bad decisions.
It may not be easy. I was not "cool" until I was about 13 years old and started to develop physically. Before that I was not popular and I was picked on all the time. I never had long hair when it was cool. I never had an earing when that was popular. I was true to myself and I knew that those things were not who I was. It was lonely. I longed for friends. I made up fantasies where I was the hero and the girls adored me. It often hurt to be an outcast or the last one picked in gym class. But thank God, I didn't turn to a bad group to be accepted. I never compromised myself to become someone I wasn't or that I shouldn't be. I didn't just throw up my hands and reject "normal." But I could have easily gone that way. If God wasn't guiding me (as I know He guides you), I could have been lured into being a loser so that people would like me, or in rebellion of the popular kids that rejected me. If people don't like you, it may well be that you are better off not being around them. I know I would have been in a lot more trouble if I had been easily accepted at such a young age.
Don't fall into these traps. Keep good company. Choose your friends wisely. Be real, and be approachable.
From time to time I'll throw in some interesting How-To's. Hopefully we'll be able to work on these things together someday, but just in case, or if I forget, they're here. Some are from me and some are things I want you to know how to do that I will paste instructions from the internet or books. Here's number 1... From "The Boy's Book: How To Be Best At Everything"
HOW TO: PLAY A BLADE OF GRASS
1. Find the biggest blade of grass you can — the taller and wider, the better.
2. Press the sides of your thumbs together, with the nails facing toward you.
3. Place the blade of grass between your thumbs, so that it runs vertically.
4. You will now be able to see a strip of grass in the gap between your knuckles and where your thumbs meet your hands.
5. Blow through the gap. If you don’t hear a whistle at first, adjust your lips and the grass, and keep trying.
Always look people in the eye.
One rule of being sociable, normal, friendly, and respected is to look people in the eye. This goes for when you're talking to them, or even just passing them in the halls or on the street. Don't give a death stare. If you're in a conversation, you can look away occasionally, but mostly when you're the one talking. if you look away while others are talking, you seem disinterested and rude. When someone else is speaking, keep eye contact, though it doesn't have to be a maniacal stare. It shows you're listening and focused.
When you're walking, make eye contact with people as you pass, but in a friendly way. Just make eye contact with them. Smile or nod your head. It's been said that that a smile is the cheapest way to improve your looks. After you have, you can look away. And you don't have to do this with every person, but it's a cordial way of acting and it makes you approachable. Women especially tend to look men in the eye. And they DO notice if you are looking back at their eyes. When you're talking to a female, they will base a lot of how they feel about you on your response to their speaking. If you're looking away, avoiding eye contact, looking down, or worse yet, looking at their clothing or body they will react to that and either discount you or regard you accordingly. As a man, it will do you a world of good to learn to look women in the eye and listen intently to them. You wouldn't believe the response you will receive. The reason being, that most men don't practice this. Looking people in the eye conveys confidence and openness. If a girl passing by you is attracted to you and you are looking at your feet or afraid to make eye contact, you will never meet her. But if you make eye contact, you can tell in that brief moment whether she is interested and she will be impressed by your confidence and the personal interaction. By the way, if she smiles at you...say hello. You're in! [But be respectful young man!]
When I was in high school, we went on a retreat for Peer Leadership. That was a special program for seniors who were selected to mentor freshmen. One of the exercises we did was to spend one minute - 60 seconds staring into the eyes of another person. First it was from 10 feet, then 5 feet, then 1 foot. 60 seconds each. You find in doing that, that it's a very intimate thing to stare someone in the eyes. You also learn how long 60 seconds can be. It's innately uncomfortable to stare someone in the eyes for that long. At least someone you're not intimate with. It is a sharing of yourself in a way. You open yourself up. Our eyes truly are windows to our souls. You can tell from someone's eyes how they are feeling- how they feel about you. I found through that experience that staring at a man's eyes created a mutual respect. A bond of types. I also learned that staring into a woman's eyes can create trust and intimacy. So be careful how you use this practice. Don't open doors that should not be opened. Always be respectful, never manipulative.
Eye contact can also be the cause of trouble and bad feelings. A look at another guy that lasts a little too long will surely garner an aggressive response - "What are you lookin' at?!" "You got a problem?" A look into a woman's eyes can very easily be inappropriate or misconstrued. It can be rude or lewd. There is a difference between eye contact and gawking or staring. We'll talk about the dangers of lust later.
When you're in public, a quick look in someone's eyes can also be an open door to sharing the Gospel. Often, God will speak to you through the sadness, tenderness, or pain in someone's eyes. He will reveal to you their need for Him. Pastor Lloyd tells a great story of when he was doing street evangelism in California. It was late and he was about to go home when he saw a woman standing in front of a store window. The store was closed, but she was just standing there staring. So Lloyd, against his own will, went over to speak to her. He said something like, I know this is kind of weird, but I just want to tell you that God loves you." She immediately began to cry. And she told him that she had been standing there wondering if God still loved her. That's how God works, and He will move you to work in the lives of others. Eye contact can be that start.
So, look each person in the eyes. Be friendly, be respectful, and be open to God's moving.
You either walk away with respect, or you're just walking away
You may hear people say, "You have to earn my respect!" My view is a little different. Respect is something I give to everyone I meet. But each person then adds to or removes that respect that I have accounted to them. Their actions, their words, their heart, how they choose to treat others all affect whether I keep a respect for them or I lose respect for them. If I have lost respect for them, THEN it must be earned back. In this way, I can never be a bigot, or a racist. If I don't look at people for their skin color, their race, or nationality...If I don't regard people for their wealth, poverty, language, family background, education...If I give everyone the same respect right off the bat, then I avoid silly prejudices. I judge a man not for who he is, but for what he does. As the Bible puts it, judge people by their fruit.
In this way, respect is not cheapened. I speak here in terms of respect by this definition: A feeling of appreciative, often deferential regard. It is not the more intense meaning of showing or assigning honor or esteem to someone. That, admittedly, must be earned. There have only been a handful of people in my life whom I have respected in that way, with great honor.
But since I was a young man, I have made it my practice to respect all persons and to appreciate them for humanity. Then I learned from the Bible, that not only should I respect people, but as Philipians 2:3 says, "Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better [that is more important] than himself. That means I should be thinking about others more than myself. Put their interest before my own. Assume that their standing is higher than mine and treat them as such.
We are all God's creation. Each person is beautiful to God and we should see them and love them through Jesus' eyes. Jesus died for them. However, not everyone accepts His sacrifice for them. But He still wishes them to repent and be saved.(2Peter 3:9) He still chases after them. He still yearns for their love. If I see everyone I meet as either a saved child of God (Christians) or as a lost and hurting soul who needs God, then I must pray for and love them the way God has called us to do. I must throw off hate and bias.
It's very hard to hate someone when you see them as Jesus sees them - someone for whom He died. It's hard to hate someone when you are praying fervently for their good. It's difficult to be a bigot when you're walking in the Spirit of God.
So my advice to you is to respect everyone you see, everyone you meet. Do not consider their physical, social, genetic, or monetary standing. Consider their soul. Pray to see others through Jesus' eyes. When someone no longer deserves respect, do not give it, but pray for them and let them earn it back. Do not give honor away easily, but honor God in the way you treat others.
Don't cry in front of women and children
[This is my own rule and many godly men would probably contest it.]
It's not unmanly to cry. I cry when I'm praising the Lord and His goodness overwhelms me; I cry when I lose someone I love; I cry when I'm touched by self-sacrifice, or extraordinary bravery, or incredible love. It's ok to cry at girly movies - mostly because chicks love that - it shows you're sensitive. Crying can also be therapeutic. All of these have nothing to do with being a man.
What does have bearing on your standing as a man is what you cry about and who you're crying to (or in front of). It's not ok to cry in front of the people who look to you for strength and encouragement. As a spiritual leader, the head of your family, a boss, a ministry leader, in whatever authority the Lord gives you you will have those who look to you for security, for strength, for encouragement, for reassurance, etc. If you break down in front of those who depend on you, you will lose credibility and those who are relying on you will immediately be defeated. What's worse is that their anxiety, fear, or loss, etc. will multiply far beyond what brought you to tears. For you it may be a momentary lapse or overcoming. For them, it is devastating and they will lose any security you may have been providing.
You shouldn't be crying from weakness: financial woes, career problems, job loss, mistakes made, etc. Your wife and children will not understand and cannot provide you comfort. I'm sure that my dad cried when I was a boy. But I never once saw him cry.
There are two reasons I say that you shouldn't be crying about these things: 1. Your confidence is in God who is bigger than your problems and 2. As you grow and God builds in you fortitude, these things are not worthy of your tears. Do your best in all things and don't cry over the past. What's done is done and God knows...trust God.
It's ok and even expected to be overwhelmed at times. As a man you will have responsibility beyond what you can bear. That is why we need to look to Jesus to be OUR strength. He is the rock. He is the creator of all things and has all power and authority. God is bigger than our problems and is not worried - I guarantee. God is outside of time as we know it. So He knows the end from the beginning. He knows how it's all going to turn out. And He promises to work all things together for good for those who love Him. (Romans 8:28). Before you were born, God had a plan for your life - a plan for good! (Jeremiah 29:11) So cast your cares upon Him. He has already taken care of it! Your confidence is in the Lord and that should be evident to those who need to draw from your strength.
So wrestle first and always in prayer with God. He is your best friend! He will give you peace and direction. Constantly be talking to God and telling Him your fears and your sadness and your problems. Not only be complaining, but thanking Him for what He will do. God wants you to be in that constant dialogue with Him. And you will find that your anxieties have no power over you and God will speak to you from His word as you seek Him.
When you need to cry - to break down, to admit your fears, to contemplate the worst-case scenario...go to your network of men. Have friends, mentors, pastors, accountability partners to go to when you need to vent and to seek Biblical counsel. God has put us in the BODY of Christ for a reason. That we would bear each other's burdens! And be there for your friends when they need you.
Know this for sure: that you can always come to me. I will always be there for you. You can cry to me with assured safety and absolute confidence. I will never turn you away if you need me. I covet your seeking me for help and counsel. I may need to rebuke you. I may need to be a coach. I may not be gentle or happy about it... but I will always be available and I will always try to encourage you from the Word.
So, weep openly when your children are born, but when you hit your thumb with a hammer...find an isolated place to wail!
Advice: Whenever you have to take any kind of test - always do your best even if they tell you it "doesn't count," or "it won't be in your permanent record." I received this advice as a young student taking standardized tests in school. We were told they weren't going to be used for any kind of assessment or grading. But when the class implied that they were going to blow it off and just fill in any answer to finish it, the wise proctor advised that anything that has your name attached to it can always come back to haunt you. So, unless it's anonymous, take any test given seriously and do your best.
Here’s one regret that I have. When I was in high school and college, I didn’t use my summers very efficiently. I worked on the NJ Turnpike cutting grass for 4 summers in a row and then I took an office internship in my professional track. The internship was a good move. It gave me office experience, paid a lot of money, and it was in my chosen field.
The Turnpike however was just a fun and stress free job. I didn’t learn a thing. My supervisor was an experienced young guy. He was maybe 36 when I started. He told me I should get a job putting up fence or doing roofing. Something that I could use in the future. He was right. I didn’t listen to him, though and I cut grass on the Tpk for 4 years.
My regret is that I didn’t follow his wise advice. Now, I look back and I think of what a waste it was. I am interested in a lot of things now that I might not have foreseen back then. Even so, I offer my experience to you. Here are some of the jobs I would look for to fill my summers if I could go back:
Fence Installation, carpenter or electrician’s helper, welder’s helper, autobody shop repair tech, concrete/mason or brick layer, autoshop tire/oil/lube tech. There may even be a dozen other ones.
I tell you this because I’d like to see you do these types of things to broaden your horizons and to get some useful skills. Notice though that all of the things I list are more or less hobbies for me now. I am not advising you to pick up career skills in manual labor jobs. I’d rather see you in a professional or ministry position (or both). But do this to pick up skills that will enhance your life and save you money in the long run. You can also make some extra money if you need to by doing these things on the side. That can help when starting out in ministry too. But pursue things that make sense and don’t waste your time like I did.
Another great thing to do is to travel on missions trips. See the world and understand other cultures. Work for Christ and be burdened by the lack of Jesus in our country as well as foreign lands. Learn as many languages as you can!
Don’t forget to divvy up your time wisely in family, ministry, and study where appropriate! Let nothing consume you but the cause of Christ!
While I’m in the mindset of jobs, I’d like to pass on some thoughts while they are fresh…
While in high school, I had a job at a restaurant as a waiter. It was one of the best experiences I ever had. I made a lot of friends outside of school, I learned about business, about saving, the value of a dollar, and many other important things. The best thing about being a waiter is that it teaches two things that will serve you no matter what you decide to do in life: organization and customer service. You learn quickly to multi-task when you have a full section of tables sat at one time. You also learn quickly that if you don’t provide an excellent customer service experience…you don’t get a good tip!
That’s the main reason that I demand so much from wait staff at restaurants when we go out. Because I know what good service is and I accept no excuses for bad service.
Here’s a secret: for the first six months that I waited tables, I was horrible. I didn’t 'get it.' But eventually I saw how much money others made when they gave good customer service and I started to order tasks in my head and devise ways of multi-tasking and organizing myself to be efficient. By the time that restaurant closed (it went out of business when I left for college) I was indispensable to the owner.
I learned a few things from that job other than what I’ve already shared. One is that if you have the chance to hire people’s friends, it’s always the better choice. Usually (if the referring employee is a good one,) the friend will want to honor their friend’s referral and do a good job. The other thing I realized is that I don’t want to stay in the food industry. It’s fickle and demanding and it was not a career option.
As far a business goes, I learned that if you want to be successful you need to find a niche. This restaurant was a 1950’s style diner where the wait staff would dance to old songs every half hour. They ran a two-hour waiting line for the first two years of operation. Which brings me to the other business lesson. Once you find a niche and get the business successful, sell it for the highest price you can. All businesses have a lifecycle on a bell curve. If you fail to make your money at the top or on the way to the top of the bell, you may lose everything. Especially if your niche is gimmicky- like a 50’s restaurant.
Anyway, if you want my advice on career ideas…my first recommendation is to be an investment banker. It’s long hours in the beginning, but you’re guaranteed a nice living if you do your best. After that, I would say be an orthodontist or dentist. If you can stand dealing with people’s mouths, it is a very good living. I personally always wanted to be a real estate investor and a business owner. Buy or open businesses that aren’t necessarily glamorous, but offer large profit margins. Things like ice cream stores and laundromats make a killing. Own a bunch and you can retire young.
Of course, my real hope for you is that you chose the Lord. I hate the thought of you leaving me to be a missionary, or a pastor in a far away place. But if it is God’s calling for you, (and I hope it is!) then I will support you in whatever way I can. Don’t choose it because it’s expected of you or because it makes others happy. If you do that, you won’t last long. God has to be the one leading and making the way for you. As Paul put it, “Woe is me if I do not preach the Gospel!”
I just reread my last entry and it reminded me of another business rule to follow. No matter how much of yourself you pour into a business, don't let it become an emotional attachment. In other words, own the business, don't love it. If you become emotionally invested you make irrational decisions. You need to make a conscious decision and then follow that up with a conscious effort to not allow your love for the business to cloud your judgment. Here are some examples:
1. If the business is losing money, set a realistic cutoff date. Don't go into debt for the business. Close it when it fails and don't let it drag out hoping that you make it. If you let your emotions and your hopeful optimism rule you, you will lose everything. Of course, commit your decision to prayer. If the Lord wants to turn it around, He will, but be wise and follow scriptures, not your heart.
2. If someone offers to buy your business for a good price (and you want to sell), you may set unrealistic expectations for what it's worth if you allow your emotion and your heart to lead you. Of course you put a lot of effort into the business! Of course you have more invested than is visible on the surface! But the business is only worth as much as the revenue it can generate. Your blood, sweat, and tears don't factor into a fair price.
I can give you two examples of this. My dad and my former boss and business owner I'll refer to only as, "DK." My dad, your
Poppop opened up a speedshop in the seventies just before I was born. It was a race / performance parts & engine rebuilding kind of shop. He was sought out by several famous racers who frequented Raceway Park in Old Bridge. He loved it. He loved building performance and creating speed. He just enjoyed the hobby and he made it his dream. He was an honest and fair businessman, too. He poured his heart and soul into the business. But then the gas crisis hit. There were terrible shortages of gas for cars and lines formed at gas stations that stretched for miles. Rationing was effected in places. And fast, big, heavy cars were quickly abandoned for small economy cars with better mileage. It put him out of business in short order. But he didn't accept that he was going out of business. His emotions and personal hangups kept him hanging on until he was in debt and the business was forced to close. He held on too long because he kept hoping things would change and because he loved the business he created.
My former boss, DK had built a profitable business and was venturing into a great new product offering that had great potential in the medical arena. It seemed unstoppable, a no-brainer, destined for success. So much so that I left a good job to join the company. But the hospitals that we were selling to were too bureaucratic and slow to move. The sales-cycle was averaging over a year and there wasn't enough money from investors to support that long a cycle. We had highly paid sales people and executives that had to be paid. Well, when things weren't moving quickly enough, DK made provision to drag things out including asking people to work without pay (temporarily). Then there were layoffs, we cut out essential services, we were in debt to investors, banks, and credit cards. He kept holding out for a big deal to save the day and a lot of people got hurt. My advice to you is that the moment a speculative venture is proved to be failing - cut it. DK should have let everyone go who was involved with the new product. Because he didn't, he lost the profitable business that existed before the new product. Then all of those employees were negatively effected and the business wasn't profitable at all anymore.
So, be speculative, take chances, follow dreams, build businesses...but be wise, set parameters at the outset and don't make emotional decisions!
Financial Principles from God's Word
The following are some, not all of God's principles for money. Follow these and you will be blessed!
Firstly, you must give to God and He must get the firstfruits of your labors—not the leftovers. Proverbs 3:9 tells us, “Honour the LORD with thy substance, and with the firstfruits of all thine increase.” Do not expect God to help you if you refuse to bless Him with a portion of your income.
Secondly, Be Content With What You Have. Do you have enough to eat and clothes to wear? Then be content with what you have. Lack of contentment is a sin. It is also the greatest cause of unnecessary debt. If it is your sin, then confess it to the Lord and let Him help you change your greedy ways. Meditate on scriptures such as: 1Timothy 6:6-8 “But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out. And having food and raiment let us be therewith content.”
Lastly, know that when you seek God's will and your relationship with Him first, He will provide all of your needs. Notice I say needs and not wants. We are promised by Jesus that we never have to worry about food or clothes because God knows that we need that and He takes care of those needs. Matthew 6:25-33: "Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Which of you by worrying can add one inch to his height? So why do you worry about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin; and yet I say to you that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. Now if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is, and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will He not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For after all these things the pagans seek. For your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.
When we make God our priority, His desires become our desires and we don't want useless materials. "Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal; but lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:19-21
We have to live in this world though and God does desire to give us good things. If He is first in our lives, He will bless us with the secondary things. Matthew 7:7-11 says, "Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. Or what man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give good things to those who ask Him!
But we need to be careful not to let material wants or possessions get in the way of our relationship with Jesus.
"No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or else he will be loyal to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and material."Matthew 6:24 When your mind is on your things more than on God...they have become idols in your life!
"Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him. For all that is in the world--the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life--is not of the Father but is of the world. And the world is passing away, and the lust of it; but he who does the will of God abides forever." 1John 2:15-17 I like the way the NIV explains verse 16: "For everything in the world--the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does--comes not from the Father but from the world."
You can find some great resources at crown.org Crown Financial Ministries.
Good Debt vs. Bad Debt
The Bible tells us not to go into debt. Proverbs 22:7 says, "The rich rules over the poor, And the borrower is servant to the lender." that means that when you are in debt, you become a slave to that which you are paying off. You begin to work in order to pay your debt and often, you no longer enjoy that which you went into debt for, or you don't even remember what it was!
The Apostle Paul tells us in Romans 13:8 “Owe no man any thing, but to love one another: for he that loves another has fulfilled the law.” So we see clearly that debt is unbiblical and against God's Word. But there are two different types of debt. There is good debt and bad debt.
The Bible doesn't expressly prohibit or allow borrowing, but it does speak against being in debt. However, we can borrow (which effectively puts us in debt) for good, productive reasons that give us a return in the end. This is good debt. Good debt is often also necessary debt. For instance, a mortgage (loan) on a house is necessary unless you happen to be very wealthy. Families need places to live and a house and land are necessary for that, but cost too much to buy without going into debt. But, a house is not only necessary debt, it's also good debt. It's good because it (generally) appreciates in value. That means that a house will become more valuable with time if you maintain it well. As an example, the house we owned when you were born was bought in the year 2002 for $229,000. That sounds like a lot right?! But by the time you were born in 2007 it was worth about $350,000! So, when you sell a house, you will get more than you paid for it which is called a 'return on your investment.' The utility is that you didn't have to use your own money to earn the return. You leveraged the bank's money (the mortgage) and paid them back with interest.
Other debt that is good, but not necessary is called 'leverage.' So, to stick with the house scenario, let's say you want to invest in real estate (houses or apartments or other property). To do that, you buy a house that you don't want or need to live in. this is an investment property. You then rent out the house to someone else which makes you a small profit (return). But when you sell that house, you make a lot of money = a good return. All the while, you were in debt. But it was good debt, because your asset (the property) was always worth the amount of debt or more. You were in debt for the short-term to gain more in the long-term.
Another good type of debt which is also necessary can produce intangible returns. Meaning, you may be in debt and not get money back at the end. Such debt would be a school loan for college or graduate school. You can go into deep debt for an education and not expect to gain a monetary return. What you gain is intelligence and the opportunity to gain money in the long-term with a good career. The debt is worth it to improve your life and make gains for your future. However, it will be a long time before you can see the return in a tangible way.
As an aside, never borrow money to invest in anything speculative like stocks or commodities.
Good debt generally has some other common characteristics:
Good debt has a low or fair interest rate.
Good debt is paid off over a long period of time.
Good debt has the ability of being paid off before it is due in order to save on interest.
Good debt is gone before the material or utility that it bought is consumed or used up.
Now, bad debt is debt that buys fleeting material. It is almost never necessary. Bad debt is usually consumer debt which consists of credit cards or loans used to buy things. Things that you don't need or that won't outlast the debt. Often times you don't even know what the money went towards because it is either a large accumulation of small things or useless things that you never utilized or threw away. Bad debt is often high interest. Credit cards often have interest rates of 20% or more whereas the average home loan (in 2008) is 6%.
Now for a personal opinion. My view is that new cars are BAD debt. Buying a new car can cost anywhere from $15,000 to $50,000 dollars these days. It is a well established fact that the minute you drive a new car off the lot, it depreciates (or loses value) by 50%. That means if you paid $20,000, it is only worth $10,000 the minute you own it! By the time a 5-year loan is paid off, the car is worth less than 1/3 of what you paid for it. While interest rates on cars are not excessive, they are higher than home loans. And don't forget to calculate the true cost of the new car! Add the interest back! A $20,000 car at 8% interest over 5 years will actually cost $24,332!
You can find some great tools at crown.org Crown Financial Ministries.
When it comes to any sport or physical activity...ANY sport or physical activity, use your hips! That's right - ALL technique and all power is perfected in the hips. It originates from your hips and finishes with your hips (and follow through). Soccer v b b nvkv ukknkuvkv uikn Sorry, that was you sitting on my lap and trying to type!
As I was saying, in soccer, your kicking power comes from planting your feet and snapping your hips... Golf, lead with your hips when driving...football, drop your hips for leverage... throwing anything- baseball, football, softball - swing and snap your hips and follow through by rounding out your hips...basketball, square your hips to the basket when shooting...shotput - the power comes from your hips rotate them hard and explode from your hips up...boxing and karate - punching power is in the snap (turn) of the hips.
Trust me. Technique and power in physical activity is in the hips. You're welcome!
Here's another sports tip: When throwing a ball, whether shooting, passing, pitching, or whatever, look at exactly what you want to hit AS you throw. In baseball, when throwing the ball to a teammate look at the center of his chest until long after (a couple seconds) you release the ball. Same goes for a basketball or football pass. Shooting a basketball - look at the exact spot you want to hit on the backboard. This works in golf too by looking at the ball AS you swing and don't look up until after the ball is off the tee. In all of these things, it's important to not look away until after you have released the ball and even then it's better to watch the ball than to look to the side or to anything else. That affects your follow through which I'll talk about next time.
Follow through in sports. When I say "follow through" I mean as a technique in throwing, punching, shooting, swinging, or whatever motion involves technique in that particular sport. Follow through provides some essential things to your technique. First, it adds extra oomph or power to whatever motion you have just completed. Second, it adds accuracy, and third, it avoids physical injury because it requires grace and concentration. In shotput, follow through was essential. After the shot leaves your hands, your continued motion directs your body (and thus the shot) to the place and added distance that your are going for. If you release and throw your arm downward you will lose distance and power and you are projecting your throw (before it even leaves your hand) to a lower or downward arc because your technique is bad from the start. If your throw, swing, punch, etc. doesn't have follow through it's because you are not thinking about where you want the object to end up. You are concentrating on directing your energy or finishing your movement and that has no bearing on the performance of the motion. The only finish that will increase your performance is follow through. When you swing your bat in baseball, if you are only concentrating on contacting the ball, you will nopt follow through. and follow through in a baseball swing not only gives you distance, but DIRECTION. In a basketball shot, the way your hand curves or arm diverts at the very end of your shot will determine how the ball goes. It might have a slight spin or it might go wide left or right. When you throw a punch in boxing or karate, if you only concentrate your power on hitting the target, you will never acheive the power and pain that a punch with follow through can deliver. If you punch envisioning going right through the target, you will be devestating. So follow through.
Here's a summary for the sports tips so far:
1. Use your hips - it is where all power comes from.
2. Look directly at your target for as long as you can before during and after a throw, punch, swing, etc.
3. Follow through as hard and as accurately as possible, and for as long as the motion demands for perfection.
In the same vain as sports, I have some tips for the inevitable fights you may encounter as a young man. First, I would encourage you that Proverbs says that "A soft word turns away wrath;" and that a righteous man is slow to anger and not given to quick rage. There is almost never a fight that can't be avoided unless it's self defense from a violent crime. Whenever you encounter an angry or enraged situation that could lead to a fight, pray silently for the Lord to settle the matter and ask for peace. If you HAVE to fight in self defense, pray the Lord gives you strength. If a fight is inevitable because of an advancing foe and your "soft words" cannot divert their anger, then you can proclaim the power of Jesus outloud and pray something to the effect of, "In the name and power of Jesus the Messiah, be still and back away." This is not a magic spell, it's not a chant, the words are not special in any way except for the name of Jesus, and it's not to be used lightly. It is a prayer and a request of your savior. He may not choose to honor it and you may still have to fight. I think it has a lot to do with the situation and the causes of the would-be fight.
But my wise advice is to AVOID a fight at all costs. It is almost never worth it. Especially as a young man, there are not many offenses or problems that demand physical blows and there is almost never a good outcome even if you "win." In terms of the law, a fight can be costly and even criminal and that is even if you are acting in self defense(believe me I know). Do not let pride or anger (both sins) cloud your judgement. Commit it to quick prayer and ask the Holy Spirit to guide the situation.
Still, you may find yourself defending your home, your family or yourself from unreasonable or unprovoked harm. If that happens, here are some tips:
1. Don't talk. Don't tell a guy what you're going to do to him, what you want to do to him, threatening further action, yada, yada, yada. If you plan or expect to really fight, it's not a match of wits or threats. Don't discuss what is about to happen, just do it. Do it, do it fast, and do it hard.
1.a Having said that, very loud, in-thier-face shouting - commanding them can throw off a guy long enough for you to get a good first shot. But it's only good enough to use as a quick diversion - NOT a conversation.
2. If you have a weapon, don't take it out unless you intend to use it. If you can't stomach actually using it or don't need to use a weapon, then either don't carry one, or don't show it to the opponent. A weapon is not a threat, it is a tool. An opponent shouldn't even know you have it until you're using it. If you take out a weapon, use it without hesitation.
3. If someone is threatening you and getting in your face, back up fairly quickly as they approach you so that they keep coming and when you are ready to strike, do it as they are moving forward. They'll be off balance and not ready. You can also use their inertia to throw them if you like.
4. If you absolutely think you are in danger, strike first. The first hit is almost always the winner in a street fight. Make it a surprise and do it when they're not expecting. Most fights last 10 seconds or less. That's one reason not to "talk" to the person back and forth about what you're going to do to eachother. Let him threaten and approach you expecting that you'll respond verbally or backdown. It gives you the chance to get him off balance as you back up and hit him when he is still in threaten mode.
5. If you hit him, don't stop. The biggest mistake most guys make is to hit once and wait for retaliation. If you hit, keep hitting until the person is unable to strike back (but try not to mortally wound anyone! Unless your life is in imminent danger). If your in a crowd watch your back for his friends who might try to jump in.
6. Don't allow a guy to get you into a hold. A big thing these days is for fighters to wrestle each other into submission holds. Keep your elbows tight to your body as you maneuver around in a fight and watch for him to try and lunge to grab your legs. Be ready for this if the fight lasts longer than your first hit and you hitting to incapacitation.
Again. ALWAYS AVOID A FIGHT and never allow a fight for stupid or unrighteous reasons. Blessed are the peacemakers for they shall inherit the Kingdom of Heaven.
HOW TO: TIE A TIE
Step 1
Lift up the collar of your shirt. Place the tie around the back of your neck so that the wide end hangs down on the side of your dominant hand, a little more than twice as low as the thin end.
Step 2
Cross the wide end once over the front of the thin end and then around the back of the thin end a few inches below your neck.
Step 3
Slip the wide end through the back of the V-shape made by the knot, pulling it out the front of the V-shape toward your nondominant hand.
Step 4
Wrap the wide end around the knot on the nondominant side. Continue to wrap the wide end around to the front of the knot on the dominant hand side.
Step 5
Slip the wide end through the front of the V-shape made by the knot, pulling it out the back of the V-shape toward your dominant hand.
Step 6
Wrap the wide end around the knot.
Step 7
Pull the wide end through the back of the V-shape formed by the knot.
Step 8
Tuck the wide end down through the front loop of the knot.
Step 9
Pull down gently on the wide end from below the knot until the knot is tight.
Step 10
Grasp the thin end with your non-dominant hand and slid the knot up to your neck.
Step 11
Flip your collar down, button up and you're ready to go!
Tips & Warnings
• If the thin end hangs lower than the wide end, untie the tie and begin again with the wide end hanging lower than it did the first time.
• If the wide end hangs too low, untie the tie and begin again with the wide end hanging higher than the first time.
• When untying a tie, follow the tying directions in reverse rather than just pulling the thin end through the knot. Otherwise, the shape of the tie may become distorted.
In my last post, I talked a little about dangerous situations and defending yourself or your family. Some other points to know that I have learned over the years are: 1. If you're in trouble, yell "fire!" it attracts people who wouldn't respond to "Help!" 2. If you find yourself being mugged by an armed person, especially if your girlfriend or wife is with you, take out your money, or anything from your pocket and throw it up in the air. The robber will watch the money and you can use the diversion to run or to disarm him. 3. Hit him in the throat as hard as you can. Use the knife edge of your hand (pinky edge) to slam their larynx closed If he can't breath, he won't follow. 4. Poke out his eye. If you can't get his throat, stiffen your fingers (all 5) and jab your fingers into their eyes. If you pop his eye out onto his cheek, he won't worry about chasing you. 5. If you are on an elevator and in trouble, refrain from hitting the alarm button because it may stop the elevator between floors prolonging your danger. It's better to hit the alarm as the doors open or before they close. 6. Carry your monry in a clip separate from your wallet. that way if you get robbed, you don't give them your credit cards and identification.
Here's a tidbit I learned the hard way. When you start dating, if your closest friends don't like the girl you're dating, get rid of her. Your friends (if you've followed my advice) know you well and care about you. They are some of the people who are most compatible with you. So if they are not compatible with a girl you like... it's a safe bet that she's really not compatible with you in the long run. There are some caveats of course, make sure that it's a consensus - not just one dude who doesn't get along with her. Make sure that a friend doesn't have a crush on her and is trying to break you up. And if your friends don't like your wife (if you're already married) then dump the friends!
Guy Rules: Don't date a girl that one of your friends used to date. And if your friend has a crush on a girl, in general stay away from her... Unless your friend gives you permission and you r he can handle it.
Here's a bit of advice that will save you time, frustration, embarrassment, and effort: LEFTY-LUCY, RIGHTY-TIGHTY. Use this simple phrase whenever unscrewing anything that needs to be unscrewed or loosened. The only exception are certain gas fittings. Otherwise this applies to screws, jars, valves, faucets, etc. etc.
If you can perfect any skill as a man, OTHER THAN self-discipline, I would say you will benefit most from NOT CARING WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK ABOUT YOU. Do not be a man-pleaser. Seek to please God rather than man and to be lovingly truthful in all things!
Not only is this based in pride and can cause the sin of pride, but it can inhibit you from doing things that you should or that you would benefit from. Peer pressure is a real thing, even for adults. And it's not only active, but passive... meaning that the fear of what people might think can shape your actions. Conformity, group think, not acting, or acting incorrectly are all horrible symptoms, but the disease is caring about what other people think.
This will hurt you in business or politics and can paralyze you from taking calculated chances.
For instance, in sales, if you are tasked with presenting anything to anyone, fear of rejection will make you a failure. As a manger, wanting people to like you or worrying about your image can make you an ineffective supervisor. As a consumer, caring about what the salesperson thinks of you can cause you to buy things you don't need or don't even want! So don't worry about what other people will think of you.
I can't tell you how many times in school I knew the right answer before anyone else, but I was afraid of being wrong and other people thinking I wasn't smart. And when someone else answered with the same answer I would have given, I felt cheated. Sometimes, you'll be wrong when you speak up, but get over it! NOT everyone in the room is thinking about you! Most of us are too busy thinking about ourselves!
Speaking truth and speaking your mind (with compassion!) will put you in the place of offending, surprising, or turning some people away. But it is more loving to be bold and truthful than to sugarcoat things and allow someone to go down a wrong path. If you worry about being liked, it will be an obstacle to success and it will be an obstacle to your Witness as a Christian..
In every decision you make or activity you pursue, ask yourself this question: In one year from now…will it matter? Will you even remember it?
In life, there are a lot of things we stress over and especially as young people we believe everything is so monumental. In reality, you would do well to ask yourself the question above and if you can be truthful with yourself and the issue will be forgotten in a year, the don't sweat it. Pray about it, commit the decision to God's will and just do it.
If it's just something that's nagging you or bothering you or something that you're anxious about... use the same standard. If it isn't important enough that you'll care in a year from now... then don't worry about it now.
Self Discipline
This is the greatest strength and the most useful characteristic to develop is self-discipline. Although at times in my life, I have been able to summon great self discipline and determination, my propensity tends (like the universe) toward entropy. [Look up the laws of thermodynamics to understand that principle.] I pray that you are not like me in that respect.
Self-discipline is the foundation of all beneficial human endeavors. The Bible says in Proverbs 25:28,"Whoever has no rule over his own spirit Is like a city broken down, without walls." Self-discipline MAKES a man. From physical fitness to athletics, to academics, to relationships, to ministry...everything worth doing in life is accomplished or enhanced by self-discipline.
Self-discipline will keep you eating healthy, it will keep you in the gym, it will push you to do one more push up when you don't think you can. It also keeps you in the Word of God, it keeps you going to church when you're tired or bored, it keeps you striving to be a good husband and a good dad. Success in business or in school will require self-discipline. Paractice - of anything - takes self-discipline. It is fundamental. If you have it, t will be your greatest asset but if you don't, it will be your greatest drawback.
I cannot...cannot stress enough how important it is to have self-discipline. You can hone your self-discipline first through the power of the Holy Spirit. The Lord is your strength and He can build this in you. God is always your best resource! It can also be honed by DOING. As young as you can, get used to pushing yourself. Get used to giving more than is asked of you. Get used to doing things you don't want to do without complaining. Sports, reading, learning, eating. Unfortunately, the best things we can do in life for our own well being are often the things we least want to do like eating right, exercise, hard work, investing, saving, sacrifice, etc. Practice self-discipline.
It is not without reward. Self-discipline and self-sacrifice yield the greatest return. Long life, sound mind, success, progress, strong body, solid relationships, the list goes on and on without finish. Self-discipline is more than worth the effort it takes to learn it. Here is what God says about self-discipline:
"He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, And he who rules his spirit than he who takes a city." Proverbs 16:32
"The hand of the diligent will rule, But the lazy man will be put to forced labor." Proverbs 12:24
How amazing is that!? God says that a man with self control is stronger than a man who captures a city! And that the diligent man will rule! He also warns us that laziness and lack of control leads to destruction.
Galatians 5:23 tells us that self-control is a fruit of the Holy Spirit. If God lives in you and you are walking in the Spirit, you will have self-control and you will not fulfill the wants and desires of your mind and body. So know that self-discipline is indispensible, incredibly beneficial, and attainable! It comes from God!
A real man is able to be a real man because he has great SELF-DISCIPLINE.
I know that as a boy you will probably care-less about training yourself and learning than things like sports, girls, and cars. But one thing I implore you to do is to take training courses - like those business people take - on sales and selling. Learn how to reason, negotiate, debate, and close a deal. No matter what you do with your life - whether you're a hobo or a Wall Street tycoon, learning how to sell will be one of the greatest skills you can attain. Everything we do in life contains some aspect of selling. Evangelism requires reasoning, debate, and charm just as much as a job interview, a business plan, or a hostage negotiation. Buying a car is a sales pitch! You need to sell the car salesman on why you should have the car at the price you want to pay!
Sales is mostly the art of being able to think on your feet. It is being able to defend your position from any angle and against any argument. It is also the art of persuasion. You persuade through word pictures, through stories, examples, anecdotes. You can also persuade through reasoning and showing people dofferent ways of looking at a situation. For instance, if you are selling something for $365 dollars (and I assume there is value to it), it sheds a new light on the purchase when you ask the question, 'Over the course of the year, practically speaking, you would be spending only one dollar a day on this purchase. Isn't your having ________________ worth ONE dollar a day?' You can't just strong arm and charm isn't always all it takes. It takes keen thinking and reasoning abilities and knowing your product!
I say all this because I am currently trying to start my first business. I say first, because I'm sure it won't be the last. And I find that although I am great at what I do and my product has great value, my ability to sell will ultimately have a greater effect on my success. I know that God is the ultimate factor of whether I succeed or fail in the end and I accept His will in that [in fact my company's name is Hiswill Consulting, LLC!]. But I know I have to do my part in this business and for now I have to work on my sales abilities.
So I am learning these great techniques and studying processes to help close sales, but I wish greatly that I had known these things at a young age and that they had been engrained in me to be more natural. As it is I have to work hard to put the formulas together and think on my feet. You need to have these skills at a young age! So if I send you to sales training, please pay attention and do your best to learn the techniques. Not to mention that sales people are some of the highest paid people in the country and 75% of corporate CEOs have sales in their background.
I am not telling you to learn how to deceive people or to trick them. I certainly do not want you to learn sales techniques to "get one over" on anybody. In fact, if you do become a salesman you should strive never to sell through deceit or to lie to make a sale. You are better off remembering what the Bible tells us in Proverbs 20:14:"'It is good for nothing,' cries the buyer; But when he has gone his way, then he boasts." So in otherwords, if you kick the tires and point out every scratch and get the price down below what is fair to what is a good deal...then you boast how good a deal you got - that is sin in God's eyes. And it works in the converse as well. If you're selling something and you paint it in a better light than it actually is, then you are lying and selling something above its worth. Sales skills should never be used in a manipulative way! If you use your sales skills to win an argument with your wife when you know you are in the wrong, then you are manipulating and deceiving. And you are not fooling God!
I can't emphasize enough however, the need for sales skills in everyday life and especially in business - even if you're not directly involved in sales. When you begin to learn the priciples in selling, you realize just how important it is to be able to think your way through and strategize a persuasive process. Until you get into it, it's hard to see the practicality, but I implore you...endure it and learn it!
Well, there is a new member of our family now! Caleb Josiah was born yesterday and surprised us all at 10lbs, 12oz.! So now, this website is for both of you. I'm glad Caleb was a boy or else I'd have to start a whole new site dedicaed to a little girl! As of today...this site is dedicated to my boys...wow I have boyS! Lord, how in the world am I going to do this?
I will NOT be going back and making everything applicable to both of you, so just know that on this site, everything before this date applies to ALL my kids.
Love One Another
So now that I am a dad with two boys, [And today is my birthday!] AND I am a big brother myself, I have some things to say to you guys. I hope these pearls don't fall on deaf ears. You need to understand these things at a young age.
To be quite honest with the two of you, I was hoping to not have to deal with this. I didn't think God would bless us with two boys so close in age. The problem is that me and your Uncle Chris, my brother, were also close in age. We had a lot of troubles growing up together. We competed in almost everything, we are complete opposites and we didn't get a long. A lot of our problems started when we were older - I'd say after I was about 12 years old.
As brothers, there are some real treasures that you can cultivate with eachother. I warn you though that you can easily lose out on these treasures if you flaunt the opportunities. As brothers, you will have a knowledge of eachother that no one else in the world has. You will know when your brother is scarred, when he needs help, what bothers him, what makes him angry, what his favorite things are, the girls he likes, I could go on and on. You also know your mom and dad and you will be a unit in helping your mom and dad. You will know when you've done wrong and when you've disappointed us.
You can use your intimate knowledge of eachother to hurt eachother or to edify eachother. It is very easy to embarras someone you know so well. You can use intimate secrets against your brother with friends, strangers, girls, etc. You can use those secrets as leverage (blackmail), or you can use it to hurt him. My suggestion is that you commit to eachother to never use personal knowledge of eachother to hurt or manipulate.
Brother rule #1: Don't ever embarras or hurt your brother by telling his secrets to other people. (Mom and dad don't count as other people - we need to know your secrets too!)
The only exception to this rule is when his secret is hurting him. If your brother's secret is about something bad that happened to him, or something bad he's doing to himself, you need to tell us so that he can be helped.
Competition will kill your relationship. You need to know that although you are brothers, you are separate people with your own strengths and your own weaknesses. In my eyes and in your mom's eyes, you are both perfect. You don't need to impress us! We already know how great you are! Believe me - I love you! So don't let anything come between you two because of competition. I was always jealous of my brother growing up. One example is with soccer. We both played soccer from a young age. My brother was skinny and could run for long periods. I was husky and had trouble running long distance. We played for different teams as kids, so we always had to watch eachother play. Because Uncle Chris was slim and fast, he was put at the front line = "Striker." He was a forward - a goal scorer. He got to score goals all the time. Because I was bigger and had no stamina for running, I was made a fullback - on defense. Defense doesn't score goals - ever! In fact, when goals are scored against your team, it's blamed on you! Even the position names don't compare: STIKER vs fullback. As a young kid, my little brother being the goal scoring hero was devastating to me. I had a serious complex about it and it grw and grew and spilled over into everything we did together. Unfortunately, that competetive streak was a stake in the heart of our relationship and it hurt us long into our adulthood. Here's what happened as we got older though - As I gre I got muscular and thick. I became extremely fast in short distance sprints. In fact I was the fastest player on my high school team - faster than my brother. But I still had trouble with stamina. My body became more suited to football than soccer and I was a standout against most skinny tall soccer players. As a defenseman, I became a star. Skinny forwards bounced off me like flies on a bug zapper. I was feared and I was good. My speed let me kneep up with the fastest forwards and my size gave me a guge advantage psychologically. Uncle Chris was still a star forward, but I was equally as talented...just in a completely opposite way. My brother couldn't beat me in a 100 yard sprint, but I was at the back of the pack in a mile run. Chris scored goals, I stopped them. He was offense, I was defense. His skinny build helped him in his position and my husky build helped me in my position. When we played on the same team in high school we were an awesome team: offense and defense together at their best.
What I want you to see is that our differences were a source of competition and stress in our relationship, but as we grew, we could see the strength in our differences. We didn't have to compete because we had different skills and abilities. I hope that you two don't get jealous of eachother's strengths. I know it's hard when all you see is the other's accomplishments. You need to be mature about it, step back and see that you are special in God's eyes and you were made with a purpose. Different purposes and plans for each of your lives! But God does have a plan even if you can't see it right now.
And please, please, please don';t use your brother's weaknesses against him. You know his failures and his weak points and he knows yours. Leave it at that. Do NOT taunt your brother through his weaknesses - either flaunting them or poking him with them. His weaknesses may be your strengths, but yours are his also!
Brother rule #2: Don't compete with eachother - cheer eachother on and compliment eachother with your different talents.
I was a horrible brother. I was mean and I was a jerk. Mostly, I was miserable with myself having been picked on by neighborhood kids and overweight for most of my childhood. I also lacked the most important thing: a relationship with Jesus. I hope that you know Jesus as very young boys and that He guides you and strengthens you through challenges. I truly believe my lack of Jesus in my life affected how ugly a person I was emotionally and relationally.
Partly because of my lack of self worth due to not knowing who I was in Jesus and partly because of my jealousy for my brother I lashed out at Chris in many ways. I called him names, I put him down at every chance I got, I avoided playing with him, and a lot of other things. I didn't want him to be friends with my friends because I was afraid they would like him better than me. I am not telling you all this so you can justify bad actions, or so that you can be empowered to do things like these. I am warning you not to fall into these hurtful things. I'm admitting my mistakes. Don't make the same mistakes I made. I wasted a lot of years that I could have been making great memories with my brother.
Brother rule #3: Don't put your brother down - build him up because he's a reflection of you and a resource and help to your life.
I hope that you guys do have a lot of the same friends. You're so close in age that it's inevitable. And believe me, the older you get, the less age even matters- And I'm talking about even as young as high school and college.
I'll tell you one thing that hurt me was when Chris would team up with his friends against me. Whether it was a neighborhood kid or a school friend, Chris was always eager to find someone to play with. Whereas I was content to play bymyslef or with him. Chris would team up with these kids to make jokes about me, or even sometimes to fight me. A lot of times it was simply in playing games like army or bike tag and it became Chris and his friends against me. I never complained about it, but it was hurtful.
Brother rule #4: You are a team - don't team up with others to hurt, compete, or riducule your brother.
Which reminds me of another brother rule. When we were growing up, Chris' penchant for finding friends often led him to hangout with some bad eggs just to have someone to play with. Apart from being bad company as we discussed on April 25, 2008, it was dangerous in many ways. I would always warn Chris about certain friends. I didn't like them. Sometimes I wasn't even sure why I didn't like them, but Chris didn't want to hear it. In the end, they would either end up physically fighting, or as enemies in school, or something else bad. This also applies to girls when you're older. If your brother doesn't like a girl, more often than not the girl is not right for you. So:
Brother rule #5: Trust your brother's intuition about your friends.
As a big brother, I can advise you, Joey, on some things. Your number one job as a big brother is to protect your younger brother. Don't ever let anyone take advantage of him or hurt him. Eventually, you'll be able to protect eachother and standup for one another, but until then, it's your job to keep him safe whenever it's within your power.
You should never hurt your brother physically. WHether or not you're bigger than him at any given age, along with protecting your brother is NOT hurting him!
Also, your brother looks up to you whether you know it or not. So you need to be an example for him. Be a leader spiritually, morally, and behaviorally. He WILL learn from you and follow your lead.
Don't let him get to you. He will know better than anyone how to push your buttons. Don't let him bother you too much and don't lose control.
Caleb, I can only give you pointers from an older brother's point of view. So, please don't provoke your brother! You will enjoy a certain amount of restraint that your brother will afford you because you're the "little brother," but I urge you not to take advantage of that tolerance. Be nice.
Don't compete. I know I already covered this, but don't make it a focus of your relationship by flaunting your brother's weaknesses. It hurts.
Try to remember that you will be taking advantage of all the broken barriers that Joey has had to fight to break down. When I was 17 and got my license, I wasn't allowed to drive without a parent for three months after my birthday. When Uncle Chris got his license, he took my parents car to school the SAME DAY! Nan and Poppop were already used to me driving, so my little brother reaped that reward. So be greatful for that.
Listen to your brother [when he knows what he's talking about]. Don't chide your brother's advice simply because you don't want to give him any authority. Like it or not, he is older than you and he MAY know something you don't. You have my permission to be discerning about this since I don't want you jumping off a bridge because he says so. But in matters of practical advice and experience, give credence where it is due.
Finally, to both of you: it's human nature to treat strangers courteously and kindly and put on our best face for others. Then we treat our family like garbage and take them for granted because they know us and they understand us better. They can take it, right? Wrong. You should be better to your family - more loving and more thoughtful than you ever are to strangers because strangers will come and go, but family is forever.
When all is said and done and you are both grown ups with lives of your own, your brother will be your best connection to the past. When other friends are long since gone, your brother will always be a part of your life. You'll share memories that no one else in the world will have. You will have stories and jokes that only have meaning to the two of you and that IS a treasure. Cultivate that treasure and protect it!
I want you guys to know that if anyone ever threatens you, your brother, or your mom or me so that you won't tell on them... Don't believe it! Sometimes bad people will do bad things to you or try to do bad things to you. Sometimes it's even someone you know and trust or someone who is family. If anyone does ANYTHING that you don't like or you don't feel is right you tell me or your mom IMMEDIATELY. Don't be scared that tehy will hurt you or hurt your mom and dad. I promise you - no one is going to hurt me and I will protect you and your mom. I garauntee that you can tell what happended and that bad person will be punished and will never be allowed to hurt you. Remember this - even if you're scared of the person - I am NOT! Even if you think they could hurt me or your mom - they CANNOT! Don't forget - your trust should be in GOD and God will protect you and your family. Do not hesitate to tell us anything... EVER.
HOW TO: Read A Compass
Not sure if I covered this before, but something to keep in mind is that you should always smile and greet people. When I was in middle school, I wasn't a grump or anything, but I looked like one all the time. When I walked the halls of school, I looked at the ground, slumped my shoulders, and didn't talk to anyone. It's not that I didn't know anyone either - I had many friends. One day, my mom told me that I should smile and say hello to people as I pass them. Well my social status began to change almost immediately. Girls especially respond to this and it opens a whole new world of opportunity to talk to people.
You don't have to be a stalker. Just look them in the eye until they catch your glance and say, "Hi," or "Hey." For guys, you can say, "How you doin?" or "What's up?" In college, I mostly just said, "sup?" For girls, they will almost always look you in the eye. If you give a quick - small smile and say hello, the response is often surprising. By the way, if they continue to look you in the eyes as they pass orthey look back just after they pass... get their name - cause they're interested.
Keep the person's eyes for a couple seconds, grin, say hi (don't mumble - that's almost worst than saying nothing at all) and then look ahead again. With girls who were close friends, I often would add surprise or joy to my greeting and say something like, "Hey cutie!" or "What's up, gorgeous?" "Hey you," is good also for a chick when you say it in an endearing way.
In general, if you're friendly, people will feel comfortable with you. Act normal and be treated normal. And by the way, don't only greet those who are attractive or popular. Be nice and kind to everyone. Be respectful to everyone. You never know when you'll have a chance to tell them about Jesus.
Take chances. (Calculated chances) "He who observes the wind will not sow, And he who regards the clouds will not reap." Eccl 11:4 = [If you wait until the wind dies down and the weather is just right, you will never plant anything and never harvest anything.] AND "Where no oxen are, the trough is clean; But much increase comes by the strength of an ox." Proverbs 14:4 = [Hardwork is part of success. Without the success, things may be easy, but they are also not rposperous.]
I like a clean trough. My obsessive compulsive tendencies drive me to desire the clean trough. I get something like I want it and I want to keep it that way. That's what I call the "comfort zone." The comfort zone will make you poor and miserable. God made humans with an innate desire to achieve. Just as we all want to please our earthly dads, show him what we've accomplished...I think that comes from us wanting to please God. Although that desire was also affected by sin - and ambition can be evil.
But complacency, laziness, and the comfort zone need to be constantly beaten down - as they are all part of our flesh and the desire for ease and pleasure. "A little sleep, a little slumber, A little folding of the hands to sleep-- So shall your poverty come on you like a prowler, And your need like an armed man." Proverbs 6:10-11 This is GOD TALKING! You have to be a hard worker and a diligent worker to be successful. Don't give in to your desire to avoid pain or discomfort. Unfortunately, in this life, everything that is worth anything is difficult. Value is directly related to cost. Whether it's your time, your money, your sweat, or your tears... the worthy things in life are had by hardknocks.
Now, I am not talking here about not being content. No matter what God gives or takes away, we are commanded to be content: Philippians 4:11. We should not want what God does not want for us. Because God knows better than we do. He sees the end of every decision you make before you make it, so trust Him and ask for His will not yours. Then when He gives His will to you - BE CONTENT WITH IT.
What I AM referring to is that you should want ALL that God has for you. I think many people fall short of the plan God has and wills for them because they are afraid to step out in faith - or they don't want to work for it.
So all that said, the crux of this entry is to TAKE [calculated] CHANCES! Not willy-nilly, stupid, or dangerous risk!-- but don't be afraid to pray about something and then step out and take a chance. Investing takes risk. Starting a business takes a risk. Inventing something takes risk, there are plenty of worth-while things that require risk. My risk tolerance has always been too low. I have lost a lot of money because I was afraid to make a move. Some examples: I wanted to invest in real estate straight out of college, but my fears stopped me from taking good risks. Within 3 years, at least three of the homes I passed on would have doubled in value. With investing, I have done tons of research and because I didn't want to take a risk, I lost tens of thousands of dollars by NOT investing - one stock went from $57 to $120 in one year. Now, I'm sure I don't know how much money I have saved by NOT taking certain risks. What I do know is that I regret not taking more risks as a young man.
Some guiding principles for taking risks: 1. The younger you are, the more time you have to recover from bad investments/decisions. You should be the riskiest when you are young and have nothing to lose (no house, no family, etc.). 2. Risks should be mitigated. In other words, you can "hedge your bets" by taking only risks that are calculated and/or limited. So, for example, if you have a risky stock investment, hedge it with a very conservative savings account. 3. Calculated risks means that you've weighed the options and planned the goals you want to reach. Calculated also means you don't take risks that can destroy you physically, mentally, spiritually, or relationally. Don't risk your body, or worse, your life, by doing a stupid stunt. If it's not worth it, it's not worth it! 4. PRAY! Always pray about decisions you will be making. Let God decide for you. He'll show you through signs, open doors, resources, a peace about the decision, through His Word, through situations, and other ways in which He might decide to work. Just make sure you're not forcing it or looking in places you shouldn't be so that you get what YOU want. 5. Use good counsel. Use experts and elders in your sphere to help you decide on what risks are worth taking. Proverbs 15:22 says, "Without counsel, plans go awry, But in the multitude of counselors they are established."
In college, I loved a company called No Fear. They were a clothing line that had motivating and toughguy sayings on them. It motivated me in my workouts. Their tag line was, "Don't let your fears get in the way of your dreams." That is what I'm trying to say. But I would add a caveat that you should make sure your dreams are from God and in line with His will.
Just don't make the mistakes I made because I was afraid of failure. Failure is not a result, failure is a stop along the way to success. Here is a great excerpt from a book titled, "Go For No!" by Richard Fenton:
Embrace failure and use it to grow and learn. Unless you can look at failure as a step in the road, you'll always be fearful of risk. It also has a lot to do with worrying about what others think about you which we already addressed above. If you're worried about how you look to others, you'll impede your success by avoiding risk. TAKE RISKS!
CONCEPT: Opportunity Cost
Opportunity cost is the analysis of what it will cost you (what you lose) by choosing to pursue one activity over another. So, as an example, you have a choice between playing a video game or mowing neighbor's lawns for money. The cost of mowing lawns is you don't get to relax and play video games. The opportunity cost of playing video games is making a profit on mowing lawns. Which one is the greater cost? You can use this concept which comes from business and economics in every day life. Use it a a decision making principle. How smart is your decision?? Look at the opportunity cost. What opportunity are you passing up to do what you're doing? A business example would be, what is the opportunity cost of developing a website verses cold calling door-to-door?
Always know your opposition's arguments!
Here's a tip. Always know what the opposition's arguments are. Most people learn enough about a subject to gather an uninformed opinion and then use a couple of uncited arguments to defend their position. What you need to know if you're going to be debating a topic is all of the possible arguments of the opposition. In other words, know your enemy. Somewhere, someone knows the answer to the opposition's arguments. Find them and memorize them, then use them. This is a "duh" topic, but most people are too ignorant or too lazy to understand the other side of an issue. And guess what? You will ALWAYS catch those people off guard with your answers and arguments. That's how you wil an argument - by making them think and shutting them up.
My greatest hope for each of you is that you stand fast in the Lord and cling to Jesus every day of your life. After that, my greatest wish is for you to become a dad. I would love for that to be to a little boy, but either is great! I want you to have the joys and the satisfaction of being a dad. See God develop your children into people and being trsusted and priveleged to help Him do that along the way.
Always remember that children are on loan to you from the Lord. He has entrusted you with their care and teaching. Give them back to Him every day of their lives and you will do well. I've tried do do that, though a lot of times I have gotten greedy and tried to hold on to you. Apart from God, we can do nothing, though.
I always hear people say that they felt this unbelievable love for their baby the moment they saw them. I never wanted you to think that wasn't the case for me, but the truth is I didn't have that flashflood of love that I heard about and quite frankly expoected. This was a little different for wach of you, but especially with Joey it somewhat surprosed me. I wanted to feel it. I just didn't. Oh, I loved you because you were mine, because I had been praying with you through mommy's belly every day for nine months, and you were all so cute. But it wasn't that profound love that I expected or had been described to me.
It took me time to get to know each of you. Not long, but time. While I had a familial love for you from the start, I fell in love with each of you in my own time and my own way. I tell you this so that if you do feel like this when you have kids, don't be concerned. It will come. I know this because for each of you, I have such a commanding love and pride and tender heartedness that cannot be explained by words. As all parents say: You won't understand until you have your own kids. You all have a place in my heart that I carry with me and as the Bible says of Mary, "These things His mother hid in her heart," (Luke 2:51); so do I have many treasures in my heart. Moments I have frozen in my memory of each of you and things you did or that we did together. Tender moments that make me smile and sometimes cry.
For Joey, I don't know if it was in the moment, or the moment that made me realize how much I truly did cherish him. It was when you got sick and had to go to the hospital. As background, I had recently taken a first aid certification class. We studied how to do CPR for children including toddlers. I saw videos of lifeless babies and what to do if they weren;t breathing. It was scary. Then this happened: You were only about 18 months old. You were sick with a cold and a fever. it was cold outside so wee bundled you up and took you to Dr. Steve.
Let your yea, be yea and your nay be nay.
Learn to Tell Stories
Act love...act forgiveness
Stay away from mediums and fortune tellers
Your friends shape your character
Debate tactics - reference "have you beat your wife lately? as well as probable verses possible.
What makes someone personable (popular) smile, make eye contact, tell stories, mimic body language and speech, etc.
How to be a friend
Sometimes, being kind is more important than being right
Keep your words soft and sweet